Such A Stressful Week

Where do I even begin?

Last week, my brother woke up to find his wife, her 3 kids, their furniture, and all their food was gone. She is leaving him because he doesn’t clean or help the kids with their homework. Ok, I’m not saying my brother is perfect, but, what do you expect when you, a 30 yr old mother of 3, marries a 19 yr old? I mean, really? He’ll grow up.

The wife talked to my aunt and it turned into this big bash Punkie thing, because I got a divorce and nobody cared, but, now she wants one and everyone is saying she shouldn’t. And, apparently the wife said “And, I know all about Punkie.”

Now, I was told about this. I assumed she meant (from other parts of the conversation) that she knew that after I caught my husband cheating, I didn’t leave, but, I quite openly had a boyfriend. Well, while i’m not proud of it, I don’t care that anybody knows, I never hid it. Maybe if I can’t be a good influence, I can at least be an example of what not to do.

My mother assumed she meant that my dad is not my biological dad. So, she calls me in a panic to tell me that now people might find out. I told her I couldn’t care less. I never understood why it was a secret anyway. Well, apparently my parents talked and decided to tell my siblings about this. And, tell all of us that my dad was married before.

Ok, I’ve always known my dad wasn’t my biological father. And, when they told me my dad had been married before I basically said “Yeah, no shit.” I’ve put together pieces over the years. That was my entire reaction.

The sister I don’t like has been throwing a huge tantrum about this, and how she is so ashamed and embarrassed, then she demanded to know my biological father’s name. No, just, no. It is none of her damn business. I’ve never even asked. Then, I have one sister my parents haven’t told yet, and the evil sister demanded to be there when the other sister was told “for moral support”. Ummm…I’ was told when I was 4 with no support at all and been fine for 20+ years. This sister just wants her nose in everyone else’s business. She doesn’t even like me, so, she can stop acting like this ruined some bond or something. Then, she got my other brother all worked up as well.

So, she has turned my brother’s divorce and my birth into being all about her.

And, that is what I am not handling well. Not at all. I feel, like, my privacy has been invaded. Like I am some how “less than”. I feel bad for my parents and her reaction. I am mad that all I hear about is how she is handling it, no one has asked how I am doing. I don’t know if this changes anything for any of them, and so, now I just wait, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t know what the right thing to do here is.

It’s bringing up huge abandonment issues that I have. My biological father disappeared after my mom told him about me.

My adopted father was abusive for years.

My ex husband left me and the kids, because I asked him to take out the trash.

Noah’s dad left as soon as I told him I was pregnant.

I have a long string of ex-boyfriends.

I’m not handling this well. I was happy burying the issue for decades.

Then, my ex calls me to ask why I let the kids be such brats. They are sarcastic, and he threatens to punish them, but, his punishments are too harsh. And you know, he can fucking suck it up for the SEVEN DAYS he has had them this year.

And, an innocent question led to the discussion of future children for Husband and I, I’ve always told him I was done, but, if he wanted more, then we’d discuss it, and I could probably be persuaded. well, he made a comment, that made me say “Never mind, that option is off the table.” which led to lots of tears for both of us.

Then, evil sister called my husband just not to tell him my dad might be having a stroke or a heart attack. And, of course evil sister is there at the hospital, because, where else would she be except in everybody else’s business? She didn’t even call me, she called my husband and had him tell me. (I left, dad is fine, they aren’t sure what happened.)

My brother’s divorce is freaking me out as well, just a reminder that it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, if my husband wants to leave, he just can. And, there is nothing I can do about it.

And, to top it all off, I’m 4 weeks away from graduating. School is getting more difficult, I’m taking 5 classes. This week, I have 3 papers due, 22 discussion board posts, 4 quizzes and one test. That’s for ONE WEEK.

The damn scale still isn’t moving. I did have to buy new underwear today, so, I guess that is progress, and, I ran a mile for the first time ever. But, the scale still says “fat”.

And, I think I am PMSing.

The good news is, in the past, I would have spent a lot of time drunk last week. Now, I ran. So…progress.

I can’t even explain how I am feeling. Can you be numb and stressed at the same time? I’m having a hard time even crying. I’m looking for a fight, but, I don’t trust anyone enough to fight with them except the husband, and he doesn’t ever fight. He kept telling me I could cry this weekend, and, I just couldn’t. Not really, I kept saying “i’m fine”, and, well, I’m not.

 

 

Shaken…

This whole thing in Connecticut has me shaken. More than I understand. My prayers go out to the families, I can not even imagine the pain and heartbreak they are going through right now. To see presents sitting under the Christmas tree, with the names of babies who won’t be coming home…

I have kids that age. Why would someone do that? How could someone do that?

My friends on Facebook are already arguing for and against more gun control. You know, the funny thing is, a few years ago, most the time growing up, I would have been joining in the chorus of “if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.” And today, I am not sure anymore. I am still sorting out what I believe. Because, I just don’t know.

Brad has a gun, and he was raised in a country where guns are illegal, mostly. He is pro guns, for less regulation, pro 2nd Amendment. He actually wants an assault rifle. Not because he is a crazy person, but because he is a mostly logical one, and he is fascinated with how they work, the machinery and the mechanisms. He has been after me to learn to shoot his hand gun, that he would like to buy me one. I won’t do it, I won’t let him. I have an ex who scares me, and PTSD as well, I don’t know how I would handle it if he scared me again, if I overreacted. And, because I know me, I know I don’t want a gun. Brad said something about if you wanted to own a more powerful gun, they were expensive, and blah, blah, blah…setting up an LLC and putting it in the “companies” name, and he and I would be joint owners. I told him no. If he wants one, he is a big boy and he can have one. But, I want nothing to do with it. He said if he died, it would be easier for me to sell the gun if I owned it as well. I told him if he died, I’d call the police to come get it, and I’d never touch it.

I understand we have a right to own guns. Ok, fine…I get that people want to hunt, or have them for safety, again. Fine, I don’t think badly of anyone who owns a gun. I think most of the people are responsible. But, the more high powered stuff…why? And, even if you are careful, and responsible…what if it is stolen? What then? Now a bad guy has a gun that can mow down dozens of people, without a chance to run.

I love some of the arguments and statements against gun control though…”the government can take my guns from my cold dead hands” or “they can have them, bullets first”. Really?! Really?! You are going to still lose your guns, go to jail (if not killed) and leave your family grieving so you can keep your gun?

“We need it for protection from the government!” Really? That made sense the time of the 2nd Amendment. You all had the same fire power, mostly. Ok, now, you have a handgun, the government has a machine gun, you get a machine gun, the the government has an army of machine guns, and men. You get yourself a little army, with machine guns, and the government has a tank. Unless you have a few trillion dollars sitting around, they win.

“If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns” Ok, but, there won’t be as many. Where are they going to get them? Thugs and assholes, and evil psychopaths are not generally following the rules to get guns as it is. Actually, that isn’t true, generally evil psychopaths hide it well for awhile. So, they can easily follow the proper channels to get guns. Lots of times, they are stolen. Where are they stolen from? Law abiding citizens.

“Arm the teachers and you won’t have this problem!” Yes, because that is just the overhaul our school systems need, to be more like a prison, and we see how well we run our prisons.

One (failed) shoe bomber, and we all have to remove our shoes at the airport. How many dead this year? And, almost anybody can just go buy a gun. My ex husband, who tried to kill me twice, can legally go buy a gun. That is terrifying to me, because, if you met him, you’d probably like him at first. He seems like a normal guy who just had a lot of bad luck. And, for years, I never thought he could physically hurt me. He never did, never tried. And, twice, in one month, he just snapped. Just completely. He was sure what he was doing was reasonable. If you ask him, to this day, why he strangled me until I blacked out, left finger print bruises on my neck…he will, with a totally straight face say “she touched my phone.” But, he went to jail for a couple days, plea bargained, went to anger management, and now his conviction has been dropped from his record…and he can buy a gun.

So could this 20 yr old shooter who massacred a class of 5 year olds.  They weren’t “his” guns, but they were legal and registered, and there is no reason to think this madman couldn’t have bought them on his own as well. Obviously he grew up in a house of guns, had parents who were ok with them, I imagine knew gun safety. So, it was “safe” for him to have one.

How about instead of the millions and millions of dollars we use to argue for guns, we put it towards mental health services in this country, rather than just give people a handful of pills and send them on their way. Not knowing they are taking them, if they can afford them, if they are working, and what the side effects are? But, I suppose that is a post for another day.

 

I wish I could explain why this has impacted me so much. I tried to explain to Brad, but, my sentences were just jumbled fragments. It’s bringing back those terrified memories, where one minute everything was fine, and the next I was sure I would never see the boys again. I guess I’m writing as my own way of coping. Not only did it bring back those memories, but, it scared me, it scared me that no place is safe. That there really are people out there who will kill 20 babies. And, yes, if you can still carry your screaming child out of their school, they are your baby. I have a little boy, he’s 4’8″, I’m 5’4″, I was carrying him yesterday because he is sick, and had a high fever, he is a baby, and so many of the victims were younger. And, it reminded me, how easy it is to get your hands on a gun in this country, the hands either attached to someone who wants to protect people, or the hands of someone who cares only about them selves, and has no sense of right and wrong. I was reminded, that, all my ex has to go is go, legally guy himself a gun at a gun show, stick it in the back of his waistband, and next time he picks up the kids, I could be dead. Just because THAT day he snapped, and all that has went wrong in his life is my fault.

I know it seems selfish to worry about my own safety now, but the fact is,  I do. I can’t quit crying over this. I just needed to write.

For the Good of the Kids

My semester ends Wednesday. One more math test. I have fought and struggled. Last night I took the final math quiz 4 times. There were almost 100 questions on it. I took it over and over until I ran out of time. I’m getting a B overall. If I can just pass this last test. Then, one more semester.

Today I would like to say, if I never hear the words “best for the kids” again, it will be too soon.

It’s the “cuz God” argument all over again.

The moment you say something is best for the kids, or because God said, you have shut down the conversation. You have made anyone who disagrees with you a bad person, because they don’t care about “the good of the kids”.

I see it ALL the time on the infidelity board I am a member of. People go on and on and on about how whatever they want is for the good of the kids. “I want to put my kid in soccer, it’s what’s best for the kids. But, my ex won’t drive him to practice!” Somebody says “Then you drive him.” and all of a sudden it is “NO! I will NOT drive him. My ex is a parent too, and he doesn’t just get to run off into the sunset, and I’m not doing it all on my own, and he can waste his own gas, let his whore see  how much works kids really are!”

Ummm…what happened to “best for the kids”?

The best advice I can give someone going through a divorce, or trying to raise kids while divorced is this:

Your spouse is dead. That person you loved and trusted, who could never hurt you? Completely dead. You are now single, and unfortunately the only babysitter you can find at times, while free, is a person who looks oddly like your ex. There is no past to discuss with this stranger.

I know, you are sitting there thinking “I’m just supposed to let them get away with the things they did to me?” No, you are supposed to know that, they will never see that they did anything to you. When you go nuts, they will feel justified in all the things they did. His new gf and he will giggle over his crazy ex and how you deserved all he did. And really…if it is REALLY all about the kids, then, why complain about picking them up from soccer? Why are you concerned about punishing your ex?

I get blasted by my friends fairly often because I am willing to pick up the kids on Sundays around my ex’s work schedule. And, I shouldn’t do that, I should stick to the schedule, he’s just making me do whatever he wants, he needs to see there are consequences for the things he has done, I am not supposed to just drop everything so he doesn’t have to find a babysitter.

Again, I thought it was all about best for the kids. And, isn’t it best that they come home when their dad has to go to work? Or is it better for them to stay with whoever he’s sleeping with this week, and constant changing rules? Best for the kids says they can come home, where their things are, where they are comfortable, where they are with people who love them.

Do what you want, but quit pretending it is all “for the kids”.

Update since I’ve been gone *Photos, lots of photos*

School is started back up, actually the semester is about over, and I’m actually passing math, so far. I’m so excite about this. I’m in the middle of writing a research paper for history. It is about the change in family norms, and especially woman’s role in society during the Industrial Revolution. The kids are doing great, my youngest just finished his first season of flag football, and his brother was in gymnastics.

Aussie ended up with almost all of last month off. First because he put in for vacation back when we planned to get married in October. We got married earlier, but didn’t cancel vacation. Then we went on our honeymoon. Then he went to work for 4 days. Came home, and Hurricane Sandy hit, he was scheduled to work on Long Island that week. Needless to say, he stayed home with me.

Speaking of honeymoon, we went on a cruise. It was SO nice. I’ll post some pics, for now.

 

I highly recommend a cruise to anyone who hasn’t been on one.

Once  we got home, Aussie got put to work, I now have a new kitchen floor and a new kitchen table.

It’s hard to believe the holidays are coming up so soon. We’ve decided to let my ex have the kids for Christmas, because we are going to celebrate the weekend before. Trying to share everything with everyone has just become to hectic, on one day. So, we called Aussie’s dad and invited him and his GF up for Christmas, they are staying with us over that weekend, and Santa is coming on December 21. We’ll make the 22 our big Christmas thing. My ex will get the kids on Dec. 24 and keep them into the 25th. Aussie and I are actually kind of looking forward to a quiet morning, drinking coffee in front of the fire place and watching the Christmas parade, until we head to my parents in the afternoon sometime.

I guess that’s about it for now. I will try not to let so much time pass without a post in the future.

I’m back

I haven’t posted in awhile, I’m sorry. I started a new blog, and traffic there has been amazing, and I’ve neglected this one. I’ve been caught up in the excitement of the new one. Here I’ve had about 800 views in 8 months, which is better than I expected, but on my other one, I have had 500 views in 6 weeks.

Anyway, this post doesn’t fit on the other blog, so, I’m here. I am also going to be writing a catch up post after this one, so, it will be two posts in one day.

I feel bad. I really do. Aussie was happy when we met. It seemed to be an ignorance is bliss kind of thing. I felt things didn’t add up. I questioned, I asked, I talked, I say “Why?” a lot. And, he started to grow, he started to look at things differently, he started to see how unhealthy some things from his past had been, and he’s become such a better man out of it. His relationship with his father has grown closer. These are all good things, but, he doesn’t even talk to his mom anymore, or really anyone else in his family. He is hurt by this. He breaks down once in awhile, when he thinks about everything…so…have I really been good for him? Or, is ignorance really bliss. If you are taught your entire life the sky is green, if you are kept from anyone who would change your mind, if you spend your whole life with really no reason to question any of this, then have I really been helpful in coming to you with my books, and my logic and my thoughts in convincing you it’s really blue? I’m not saying he isn’t happy now, but the growth put him through a lot of pain.

And, this past weekend, I’ve done it again. I’ve made him question his faith. He says I didn’t He says I’ve helped to make his faith stronger than ever, I’ve made him question his religion. And, is that a bad thing? In my opinion, if it’s true, then there is no harm in questioning it. If it isn’t, then it needs questioned. I hold to this opinion, he says he does too, but, I have a hard time understanding how you never question it on your own in 22 years. I was raised in a church too, and I’ve questioned and asked, and researched  and left, and come back, and tried different churches, different religions. I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just saying I don’t understand never questioning.

When we met, he lied to me about what he did on Saturday mornings. He didn’t want me to know, he didn’t want my questions. He lied about going to church. And, I understood, kind of. It’s the same reason I don’t volunteer that I home school the kids, it’s too “weird”, too many misconceptions, most the time I don’t feel like explaining myself, so, I don’t say it. He felt the same way. He didn’t actually lie, he misled. When I found out he was a Seventh Day Adventist, I started researching it. A lot of the info says it’s a cult. But, he doesn’t SEEM like a cult member. (though, how does one recognize one? I don’t know) I decided to go to church with him anyway. I liked the sermons given by the main pastor, and I continued. I didn’t agree on some of the theology, but, I didn’t think it was worth making a fuss over.

Last Sat. I went with him to church again, and there was a guest speaker. He was passionate and charming, and had 99% of the church yelling “Amen” at the end of every statement. And, had me about to walk out. I was so angry. We finally got out of church and I was livid, I yelled at Aussie and I sat in the jeep shaking. I couldn’t even come up with words.

 

If you are going to use the Bible as your primary source, then FOLLOW THE BIBLE. Don’t insert your own crap. He talked so fast, and so charming. The little old lady next to me was trying to take notes, and couldn’t keep up, she just joined in the chorus of “Amen”. If you are going to preach, then you have an obligation to not lie. To not make up things. I couldn’t help but think there was a room full of people, taking what he said as truth, because he was behind the pulpit. He LIED. I was SO mad.

And, I thought I shouldn’t let one rogue preacher make me throw the baby out with the bath water, so, I began reading. I remembered those things I originally found, the things I researched before. And, I was on a mission. I found document after document that said the same things this man was saying.  I asked Aussie if he was SDA because he believed it, or because he was raised that way, and after several minutes of silence, he told me he didn’t know.  I showed him the things I found, and he assured me, that he didn’t believe THAT. But, all the  that he didn’t believe were what made SDA what they were and not, I don’t know, Baptists. He was saying he believed 1-10, but not 11-20. Well, that’s lovely, but, would you risk your life on a doctor with a record of 50% who survived surgery?

Now we are into the theological and philosophical stuff. Can I in good conscience continue to attend with him? Why would I even want to go to a church, whose core beliefs state I’m going to hell because I’ve accepted the mark of the beast? Can you create a good religion out of the lies and the delusions of one woman? Out of a prophecy with a 1% success rate? If you only believe the same things every other Christian religion believes, and you ignore the things that make you a member of the SDA denomination, why pretend to be a SDA? I’m not saying you have to agree with every word that comes out of your preacher’s mouth, but, there is a difference between allowing people some freedom to believe differently on semantics, and preaching everyone who doesn’t believe the crap that ISN’T EVEN WRITTEN, is going to hell. My church has never said I would go to hell if I only went to Wed. night church. If I married a Lutheran, etc.

So, now, I am sure this is not the place for me, and poor Aussie has had the rug pulled out from under him again. He doesn’t know which way is up. He says he needs to do his own research and I hope he does. But, for right now, I feel bad. I feel like I have ruined every core belief he’s had for over 20 yrs. And, is that ok? Or am I right to feel bad? I didn’t even mean to.

Bad influences

This song came on the radio the other day, when my oldest informed me that he loved that song. I said, I liked it to, and I hoped they were watching the right people and learning the right things. My younger one piped up and said “Yeah mommy, we are. We are learning from Brad that you have to take care of your family. That you have to do a good job in school and get a good job. That you work hard and you can buy the things you want. And you don’t have to yell and scream all the time!” I asked the 8 yr old what he learned and he told me “We learned from daddy, that sometimes you will get fired for making one little mistake so why even bother trying to do a good job. And if you are in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, then you need to leave it and find a girl who will make you happy.” I should say here that their dad was fired from 10 jobs within 2 years. He had at least 4 girlfriends I know about while we still lived together, and in the 5 yrs he’s been gone, he’s lived with 5 different women, but moved 15 times. (At least)

I was mad. I told them, as calmly as I could that first of all, almost nobody gets fired for “one little mistake” and that if you are doing something you need to do your best, if you mess up you need to take responsibility for it and man up and take the consequence, and learn from it. I also told them that a relationship wouldn’t make them happy, if they loved a girl only for how happy she made them, then it was for the wrong reasons. That you can’t count on someone else making you happy, because people aren’t perfect, they will not always make you happy. I told them if they were dating a girl and found that she wasn’t right for them, then they should end the relationship, but, they shouldn’t live with every girl they meet, and if they are married, then it is their responsibility to go to their wife and say “we have a problem, will you help me fix it?” Not just replace the woman and think it was all better.

You know, I can accept most the unfairness of divorce. I can accept he doesn’t pay child support, and I deal with the fact he ignores the court order to provide them with health insurance. I have even come to terms with the fact he abused me, but the court still decided he was ok to have unsupervised visitation. However, I’m really struggling with the fact he is allowed to warp their minds with his bullshit. He is allowed to do these things that have lasting impact and I am allowed to do nothing to stop it. If they boys had a babysitter that taught them this garbage, or a teacher, everyone would support me changing that. But, he’s their dad, so, whatever he says is cool?

This is the same man who tried to take the kids from me based on the fact he THOUGHT the religion we were didn’t allow Christmas and he’s not ok with that, so, I shouldn’t have them. But I have to stand by silently while he tells them they don’t even have to try to do a good job at work? This is the same man who tried to take the kids from me on the basis of I didn’t feed them enough hamburger. Yes, I am serious. Nevermind the fact that for the last FIVE YEARS he has lived with women who already have kids and only a 2 bedroom apartment, or gotten his own one bedroom apartments. For FIVE YEARS our children have not had a bedroom or a bed when they visit their dad. Right now they sleep on an air mattress on the floor. You know who bought the air mattress? ME!

What I really want to tell the kids is the truth. I want to point out how stupid his advice is. He is THIRTY YEARS OLD. Why can he not manage to get his own place? Why can he not provide our kids with beds? He told them he’s buying another truck, so he will have two, one from driving every day and one for off roading. But he can’t buy them a freakin’ bed. Why can’t a 30 yr old keep a job? Why can’t he manage a relationship? I want to point out, that following Brad’s example = good job, money, 2 nice cars, 2 project cars, lots of travel, lots of fun things, a nice, new house, dinner out when you feel like it, museum memberships, good relationship, etc. Ex’s example=Sleeping on women’s couches until  you can convince them to have sex with you, then you are “in a relationship”, cars that leave you stranded all the time, being too broke for McDonalds. A long string of “true love” failed relationships, lots of yelling and fighting, being homeless, lots of run ins with the law, “vacations” that consist of driving an hour to the beach for the day then coming home. Oh, and not taking care of your children, so, you go to court for that as well.

I really hope they are both smart enough to realize Brad’s example is the one to follow.But, I still hate that ex is allowed to be such a bad influence and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I can’t even talk to him, because he truly believes what he says. He believes I have been the source of all his problems for the last 10 yrs. Even though, he’s been gone for 5, and if I’m such a bad person, then how come I’m coming out ahead. I don’t impact his life anymore at all, so, shouldn’t he start crawling out of the hole I supposedly pushed him in? 5 yrs should be enough time for a start.

Never Forget

I know this site will be flooded with posts about this today, but I’m adding mine anyway.

Today, for school, and history with the boys, I told them about what happened on this date eleven years ago. I couldn’t get through it without crying. Just every time I opened my mouth, I cried more. It’s amazing how something like this can move you. It’s been over a decade, I didn’t know anyone involved…and still, I’m crying.

You hear how everyone remembers where they were when the planes hit. I was in the shower. I was 16 and had just gotten home from running. I got in the shower, my mom burst through the door, and said “get out, now! We’re under attack!” I remember, very clearly, thinking “What the hell?” as I tried to rinse the soap out of my hair. She said a plane had hit the WTC. I know how to fly a plane, I know things go wrong, so, I said “well, it’s tragic but, attack?  How do you know it wasn’t an accident?” She was standing at the doorway…watching tv from there, and she screamed. And yelled “yes, I’m sure, the second one just hit!” I stood in her bedroom, mesmerized, crying, in nothing but a towel, soap still running out of my hair, for the next few hours. I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to miss anything, I was scared to miss anything. I didn’t get dressed until I saw the time lapsed images of the planes leaving the sky.

Even now, I get chills watching that video.

At the time, I wanted nothing more in life than to be a military fighter pilot. But, that day took quite a bit of wind out of my sails. If this happened again, I didn’t think I could shoot down Americans. I didn’t think I could kill 300 innocent people even if it meant saving 3,000. People going to work, families on vacation…and if this sort of thing happened again, the fighter pilots are supposed to take them down. And now, thinking about it…my husband is on a plane 4+ times a week. My kids are on a plane quite often. I know I couldn’t do it now. At 16, I thought maybe I could. Now I know I couldn’t.

It’s amazing how much can change in just a few minutes. The WTC buildings left the skyline, almost 3,000 people died in moments. Hundreds of men and women who went to work for a routine day that day were honored in funerals days and weeks later as heroes. In just moments the kiss goodbye at the gate was lost and traded for a drop off at the door and dozens of instances of procedures put into place to make us feel safer, but don’t do much. And, yes, every time I step onto a plane, I think about the fact a downed radio system may get me killed by our own military, but luckily, everyone now knows my 7 yr old doesn’t have a bomb in his work boots. A few moments completely changed travel for Americans. It made terrorism a word in the everyday language, and allowed parts of the Constitution to be practically thrown away. It was a horrible, sad, and scary day, that did exactly as intended. It sparked terror in the lives of almost everyone in the United States, and even other parts of the world…and has for the last decade.

Brad asked me today when I thought 9/11 would be declared a national holiday. Honestly, I don’t think it ever will be. Pearl Harbor was about the same scope. Americans attacked on their own soil. Thousands dead. Completely unsuspecting. A national tragedy that brought the country together. And, it’s faded or fading from people’s memory. 2 yrs ago, at the college, they had a moment of silence on December 7. When it was over, a group standing next to me asked what it was for. Another time,  on September 11, the professor asked where everyone was on Sept 11. A lot of people, my age and older remembered, things like “at work” or “at school” or “the dr with my son who just broke his arm”. Then, they asked a younger kid. He said he had no idea. He was only 6 or so when it happened. He remembered his parents very upset, but he couldn’t understand why. Even at 17. They didn’t know anybody there. It sucked, but he didn’t understand the people still crying.

It occurred to me, this is just history. To my kids, it won’t hold much more significance than Pearl Harbor, that won’t hold any more significance than the Civil War or the War of 1812. Yup…that sucked. What date again? I need to know it for the test! They will never understand getting goosebumps as you walk past that crater in the ground. They don’t know they are missing anything by not being allowed to watch daddy’s plane take off. It doesn’t seem odd to them that they aren’t allowed out of the car in the one spot at the airport, by the fence, where you can watch the flights.

I don’t know that my long rambling post really has a point. I’m just talking, trying to express myself, away from the kids, who got upset, because they couldn’t understand why mommy was crying. Mommy was crying for everything that was lost that day. Things that they never even knew existed.

It’s No Big Deal…Or Is It?

Brad and I have a sort of rule in our relationship. The phrase “It’s no big deal” isn’t allowed. I’m sure when I first told him I hated that phrase, he thought it was, well, no big deal. But, it was/is a big deal to me.

“It’s no big deal” is dismissive. It shuts down coversation. It puts the upset person on the defensive All things that I’ve never heard as being conductive to a good relationship. It is not really a good answer for anything.

If Brad comes to me and says “I am really upset that you did XYZ.” and my immediate response is “I don’t see what the big deal is”, than what is the harm in me giving in and taking care of the problem the way he would like. If I go to him and say “I’m tired of you always picking where we eat for dinner. I feel like you don’t care what I want.” he has two choices, 1. Listen to me, think about why he never lets me pick what’s for dinner, try to understand that it makes me feel bad, and be more careful next time to make sure he at least gets my opinion. Or, 2. He can say “it’s just dinner, it’s no big deal.” which doesn’t fix the problem, makes me feel worse, makes me upset and start trying to defend myself, reenforces the idea that my feelings and opinions don’t matter. If it is really, truely, not any big deal, than why can’t he let me pick sometimes? This is not an issue we have had, and it is obviously oversimplified, but it makes my point.

Could this backfire? Could this be bad? I suppose, in a relationship where one person is controlling or manipulative, it could be. Someone who was controlling could claim EVERYTTHING is a big deal, or they could demand their spouse have no friends at all, because it was a big deal to them. I  can see this not working for them, but, I certainly hope, the person being controlled would be able to explain why it is a big deal to have friends. Obvviously, not everything will work for everyone, but, it’s been a good rule of thumb for us. This is an issue that has been on my mind, partially because after I explained a situation to Brad, he told me what a good rule he thought it was.

I recently saw a former friend post 4 facebook stauses in a row…all talking about her friend, and he is just a friend and his wife is a psycho jealous old woman and their friendship is “no big deal” and she can just get over it.

Really? If it is no big deal, if there isn’t anything there, if ALL they do is discuss the old days in high school, and his wife is seriously upset about it, then, why can’t this woman drop it? Obviously it is a big deal to the wife. If it is no big deal for former friend, than what is the big deal with leaving the guy alone? Former friend continued on, trying to get all her friends to comment, and boy, did they. Things like “whatever, that’s so stupid”, “men and women can be friends!”, “jealous bitch”, “what, doesn’t she trust her own husband?”, and “maybe if she wasn’t so controlling she wouldn’t be worried he was out looking”.

Funny thing about marriage, nobody knows completely what is going on except the people in it. So, maybe the wife doesn’t trust her husband, and maybe she has a good reason. Maybe she knows her husband can’t be just friends. Maybe she is “controlling” because he’s shown with any freedom, that he will do something wrong.

I just wanted so badly to reply “If it’s no big deal, than get out of their relationship and their problems.” I didn’t, but, I feel more and more like I am the odd one out. I would not be comfortable knowing I was causing issues in the marriage of someone I considered “a very good friend”.

I realize banning the phrase “it’s no big deal” might be a bit much. But, if you find yourself tempted to say it, please think about it. Is it really no big deal? Then why can’t you do something else? Are you saying it to be dismissive of the other person? Because you know you don’t really have a good reason to continue, or because you know they’ve made a valid point? Are you putting them on the defensive because you know you don’t really have a defense? If it does matter to you, then please, explain, talk, reason, negotiate, compromise, but please don’t use “it’s no big deal” as a polite “shut up”.

Feeling Let Down

I struggle to write what is on my mind, because I feel like it makes me sound so…stuck up? Full of myself? I’m not sure, I’m just fairly sure I don’t come across as I would like to, as I mean to.

You know the Bible verse, the one about leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse?  We are still in the newlywed category, and to be honest, I didn’t expect either family to make it quite so easy. Neither one of us has a huge amount of friends, but, we both have huge families. And, I think we are both feeling sad and dissapointed lately.

 

Yeah, exactly how I’m feeling.

I won’t tell Aussie’s story, because it isn’t mine to tell. But, I will tell some of mine. I started algebra this semester. I’ve taken this class 4 or 5 times. I fail every time. I’ve taken the remedial math, I’ve done all the homework, and then some. I’ve been to tutoring, I’ve asked for help, I’ve spoken to the teachers. I just don’t get it. So, I try again.

And, this class is now bringing up HUGE feelings of disappointment and resentment towards my family. My parents especially.

I was homeschooled. I never got much of a reason why. Actually, let me rephrase, I had a continuously changing reason why, that ebbed and flowed with the passing trends that made public schools “bad”. When I could counter their arguments, I was told that was never the reason, they never said that, and the real reason was XYZ. What are some of these reasons?

• I was too smart for public school.
• I was bored.
• I might be around bad influences.
• Prayer has been taken out of schools.
• God has been taken out of schools.
• They teach evolution!
• I was unhappy there, apparently.
• My sister hated going to school, so obviously it was bad.
• School shootings!!!
• God told them to take me out of school.
• Public schools were/are sinful and God commands us not to sin just because it is popular.

I am sure there are a lot more, but, you get the idea. Homeschooling to my mom meant she slept in until 11, talked to her friend on the phone for a couple hours a day, handed me a stack of books and told me I was responsible for independent study. I have a 17 yr old brother who is practically illiterate, and a sister I think may have dyslexia. But, nobody must know, you can’t get help, because then people MIGHT think you aren’t doing things right and put the kids in school!

I ran away when I was 12ish. I told them my dad was abusive, and my parents were not home schooling us. They were handing over books, and only noticing when pages were completely blank. Nothing ever got checked. I told them about my siblings. I told the police, I told CPS, I told the judge, I told family. I was terrified, and a child. My parents would call me, screaming “You’re a fucking liar!” Nobody ever asked to see the books, nobody ever checked in on anything. My grandma had to put me in therapy to get me past the “family therapy” my parents put me in. Which consisted of all 3 adults calling me a liar, and trying to get to the root cause of why I was a liar. Except I wasn’t.

3 months later the judge sent me home. Did I mention, the judge was friends with my parents? Yeah, stupid preteen me didn’t know enough to point out how wrong this was. We started going to his church a few months later.

So, I went home. Nothing changed on the school front, but, my dad got less abusive, especially to everyone else, so, I counted at least that part as well worth all the trouble. And, I decided I was getting out of there. I did my homework, I struggled through math. When I asked for help, my parents told me they didn’t understand. When I asked for them to get me help, we couldn’t afford it. When their friends offered to help, my parents complained about how far it was to drive, and how if I was struggling so bad, maybe I could just skip the ONE youth group activity I was allowed a month so I could study more. So, when 14 yr old me was offered this choice, obviously, I choice to skip tutoring. Which, obviously meant, I understood the work, I just wasn’t willing to do it. My junior year of high school, I took the answer book. My mom never noticed. It wasn’t to cheat, it was to check my work, then to rework it until I understood it. I spent hours working on this. Nobody ever knew.

I graduated a yr early, and got a full ride scholarship to the big state school. It was the worst thing I ever did. Because, my parents have spent the last 10 yrs saying that obviously they do an amazing job at homeschooling, and obviously it is superior to all other schooling, because, well, look at Punkie.

Oddly, they never mention Punkie flunked out her first semester. Got ALL Fs.

They never mention Punkie has failed algebra 5 times now. And, has no idea what is going on, no idea how to understand. The ass backwards ways I taught myself in high school are screwing me over now.

You know, I’ve spent the last 15 yrs trying to take responsibility for my failures, trying to own my own shit, trying to not blame others. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of taking responsibility for problems that I didn’t cause.

I cringe whenever I see one of my siblings facebook posts. My one sister is trying to start a photography business, and has a page for it. Nothing is spelled right. My other sister works at Salvation Army because the pay is amazing. My little brother had to take the ASVAB test 4 times before he BARELY got a high enough score to get into ANY military branch. My other brother, the 17 yr old, reads the helicopter books I bought for my 8 yr old when he thinks nobody is looking. But, never any other book.

I have another younger brother, he’s a teenager, and yesterday I told my mom, over the weekend I did about 250 math problems. I was assigned 60, but I am really trying to pass. My mom said “I guess we know who can help with math now!” then she tells me about my brother, how he’s so good at math. He never follows the instructions, but gets the right answer. Just like me. I told  her, that is really, really causing problems for me now. I explained why. She laughed and said “Well, I just have to get him through high school, college can teach him what he really needs to know.”

I could have about cried.

I’ve offered to teach the kids. If you look at my kids school work…I spend HOURS every week, preparing for the next week. I spend hours teaching them, going over things over and over again. I actually grade all the work. I have a lesson plan. I have a base curriculum and add to it, to make my own, making some things more difficult. Adding pages where I know they struggle. I’ve offered…my mom doesn’t want to spend the gas money. Her and dad can go out to eat a few times a week, but, can’t spend $4 a day to bring the kids over for help.

I’m so angry that I am paying for their choices now. I’m so angry that nobody listened to me when I tried to get help. I’m so angry that it is too late for my siblings. I’m angry that my family is almost PROUD of being ignorant. Of the fact they don’t need no college. I’m angry my brothers don’t even realize how much they don’t know. I’m angry they have been unknowingly sentenced to a lifetime of factory work or retail, without their consent. I’m angry that I struggle so much with some of these subjects, but, I certainly can’t complain, because then I hear about how if I was really concerned I would have studied and not signed the boys up for sports, so I would have more time. And, I’m angry all the times I do well, I am held up as the poster child for all the great things about homeschooling. My parents had nothing to do with any of the things I am good at. I taught myself! I had to!

You know what? I’m not that freaking special or smart or successful. Actually, I take it back, I am smart. I decided to do better, and I did. But, I somehow saw there was more to life than what my parents taught us. I’m the only one who did. I’m not special, I’m not successful. I look like it. I look like a spoiled brat most the time. I’ve got a great relationship, and two kids that are somehow amazing, in spite of all they have been through. And, I can’t even talk about my life, because I sound so stuck up. I just got back from a trip to Montana, right after the trip to Florida, and I leave for a cruise in about 6 weeks. I’ve got a Tiffany box sitting on my coffee table, and a pile of clothes with the tags still on them. I went out for coffee almost every day this summer. And, I’m not saying this to brag, I’m not. I’m using to to show, how “look at Punkie!” has become a source of pride for my parents. They miss that they coerced me into marrying an abusive asshole the first time. They don’t seem to get it… all this great stuff? It has NOTHING to do with me, nothing. It is a result of Aussie’s success. HIS parents can use it as an argument for homeschooling. Mine can not. Because, it has NOTHING to do with me, and FAR less to do with them and their teaching skills. And to be honest, a huge majority of my spoiled persona has cost us practically nothing. Airlines give lots of free perks, as do hotel chains, and rental car companies. When the company pays for the Starbucks, and you can give your wife the card, she gets the free syrups and refills and extra perks. So, again, I’d like to say, don’t judge me too harshly on this one, because if the company Aussie worked for didn’t allow him to keep the perks, and instead made him use frequent flier miles to get to work, or that sort of thing, we would look exactly like every other young couple with a couple kids.

I do’t even know what the point of writing this was. I just needed to get it all out. I am so angry and so resentful right now. I feel like I’m outgrowing my family and it’s a lonely feeling.

You Must Choose a Side, and Everyone Else is Evil

Of course!

I am about done with facebook.

Or maybe I will just go on some big unfriending spree.

And, no, no one has done anything personally offensive to me, but, jeesh, the way people talk to each other. I have quite a few liberal friends, who post political stuff. Which is fine, I don’t mind seeing it. I may not agree with all of it, but, everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. I have a lot of conservative friends, who post a lot of political stuff. I feel the same way about it.

What bothers me is the people who post garbage for the Lord. What bothers me is the gross generalizations made. A woman recently posted a quote from Roseanne Barr, about how anyone who eats at Chik-FilA should get cancer. Ok. that is a horrible thing to say. So anyway, the “friend” who posted said “Oh of course, what else can you expect from a liberal?” Really? I consider myself to lean more towards liberal than conservative, I would never say that! A family member recently posted an email she received from another family member. Which opened up to a lot of comments, and it was about Chik-Fil-A, and how they were so in the right for their stance on gay marriage. Another person replied “So, I am supposed to let God condemn these people to hell for not believing in him? Sorry for caring about your souls people!”

Right, I must have missed the part where all good Christians followed the Bible to a T, and didn’t have any private issues they were dealing with. I think people are much more likely to care about you worrying about their souls, when you worry about them first. I think they might be more likely to listen to you, if you worried more about how they felt, rather than what they did with their genitals. You know, if I honestly told people the whole story behind mine and Aussie’s relationship, they would probably be shocked, and upset. But, we got to get married so, we’re good people now.  Really?

Speaking of our relationship and generalizations, I’m a member of another board, and a few people have mentioned situations like ours, and they are quickly shot down with criticisms. With name calling. With being told how there is no way in hell it will ever work out. Meanwhile, I post something and I am told a hundred times how adorable we are, how I found a good man, how we’re a great couple. Oddly enough, if someone were to post “I met this great guy at a church get together, and he joined my family and I for a picnic. He asked me out, we’ve seen each other several times now, he is really sweet.” This would be the story that gets “awww, that’s amazing, sounds great!” It is also the beginning if the story to my first marriage, and that ended horribly.

Stop making assumptions people!*

All Conservatives are not people who think God allows dead soldiers because of America’s stance on gays.

All liberals are not trying to steal your money to give to lazy people.

All “good guys” aren’t going to give you happily ever after.

All guys who just want a f**k buddy aren’t married liars who will give you aids.

All people who homeschool are not anti-social nuts.

All people who go to public school do not leave uneducated.

All “traditional” families aren’t looking down on others.

All “different” families aren’t trying to destroy yours.

All wives who are ok with their husbands being in charge aren’t abused.

All feminists don’t hate men.

All gay people aren’t trying to convert you.

All men aren’t child molesters.

All poor people are not lazy and stupid.

All rich people aren’t greedy and mean.

All Christians aren’t kind.

All Atheists are not immoral.

All foreigners aren’t here illegally.

All natural born Americans aren’t gun toting, flag waving, NASCAR fans.

All fat people aren’t sitting on the couch all day eating Twinkies while watching soap operas.

All skinny people don’t need a hamburger.

Just stop with the assumptions and the generalizations. You might learn something.

*Please do not mistake any of my generalizations for things I believe. I don’t, but, I have heard ALL these things.