Too many thoughts, too little time.

Archive for April, 2012

Live on Purpose

I just want to say, I really dislike “helpless” people. You know the ones, the perpetual victim.

I hate the phrase “It’s not my fault”. It is right up there with “It just happened”. The other good one is “It isn’t fair!”

I see it a lot from people, people who spend all their time upset because bad stuff just keeps happening to them.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I completely understand, sometimes it just seems like one person has a run of bad luck. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and you just want to pout/whine/yell for awhile. Sometimes you need to send out invitations to the pity party, and that’s ok.

But, when it becomes a way of life, when EVERYTHING is the worst thing ever, maybe you really are the problem. (I am using the collective you, I am not talking to any of my readers specifically.)

I joke with Brad all the time, if you feel you have to remind me ALL the time how much you hate drama, it is probably because you know I won’t notice on my own. Have you ever noticed the people who hate drama the most are always the ones who have so much of it?

Life isn’t just happening to you. When you make a choice, you have to accept the consequences for it. If you answer a text and rear end the car in front of you, that didn’t “just happen” to you. It was because of a choice you made. I know a woman who was upset because her ex-husband kept showing up to run in marathons she was running in, she got a lot of advice, that maybe she should find a different marathon, and she got indignant. Why should SHE have to change things, this was HER race, and it wasn’t FAIR, HE could leave. And please remember, she hates drama. Except, why would he leave? Her running in the marathon didn’t bother him. So, her options were either to ignore him or change marathons. And you would have thought someone told her that her options were to cut off her left or her right arm. She did neither, caused a lot of drama, and then complained how bad things keep happening to her, she keeps seeing him. No, this bad thing was not happening to her, she was choosing to allow it to.

I did go through this whole “Why is this happening to me?” when my ex left. And with time and space, I can see where my mistakes were. I didn’t deserve to have it all happen, but, I could have put a stop to it a million different times. And now, instead of “Why me?” I ask “Why not me?” I honestly think I am pretty amazing, but, I also realize, I’m not that special, I am not a good enough person to even pretend I deserve a perfect life. This is not fishing for compliments from my dear friends, I promise. I’m not having a low self esteem moment, Like I said, I think I’m pretty awesome, I do consider myself a good person, but I am certainly not arrogant enough to believe that entitles me to a life free from crap.

Life is harder to deal with when you are always the victim. When you have no control, it’s easy to spiral out of control. You have to take back the control. If you can accept ANY of the responsibility for the bad, it becomes easier to deal with, because you feel like you can stop something from happening again. You can acknowledge the lessons learned. If you can choose to live in purpose, it is easier and truly nicer than living passively. Letting life happen TO you is no way to go through life.

And, sometimes the changes needed won’t be fun, they won’t be fair, but they will change the situation, and they will change circumstances and you will be taking back some power. You can be right or you can be happy. Live on purpose!

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It’s finally over

I never thought I’d be so happy to see this.

I intend to keep the person, journaling type stuff off of here, usually. But today, I think I just need to get this out.

I got married in May of 2003, my then husband started cheating in 2006, that I know of, though I have reason to believe it was before that. I found out about the cheating in 2007, I found out about new women in 2008, and the physical abuse started then too. He was arrested August 29, 2008. We haven’t lived together since. I had filed for divorce, but, with how erratic his behavior had become, I really did want a lawyer to make sure I had covered everything. A lawyer was out of the question, I couldn’t even figure out how to have heat in our house. Sadly, that stayed with me, I now have a lovely house with more blankets/mittens/hats than I care to count, because I’m so afraid of a repeat of that. I know it is illogical, but, I still buy more.

Anyway, that isn’t the point. I tried to move on, I did what I had to do when I had to do it. I had to go to school more than I needed a divorce. I had to get a car more than I needed a divorce. I had to have a place to live more than I needed a divorce. So, it got put on the back burner, the old divorce filing was thrown out, and I moved on with my life, still married to this man.

I finally got to a point where I could refile. First he was mad at me because I got a lawyer, then he was mad because child support was raised. Then he decided that he wanted full custody because I go to a “foreign church” and don’t let the kids have Christmas or hamburgers. I go to a 7th Day Adventist church, tell the Visa card I don’t let the kids have Christmas! And, the boys dad came for a 4th of July party at my house, one where we were grilling hamburgers and hot dogs, and the kids were eating them!  He bad mouthed me, he slandered me, he’s told the kids I stole $1700 from him. I didn’t, because he was so far behind in child support, I got his tax return.

But, I kept moving towards the goal of divorce, and on March 30, 2012, my divorce became final. I found out this morning. I have sole custody of my kids, and he has a lowered child support obligation. So, I suppose everyone wins.

I know many people who have been divorced, they’ve all told me that it didn’t matter how long we’d been separated, I’d be sad today.

Today, I feel…scared. Scared that there was some mess up, and I will find out soon we aren’t really divorced.

I feel happy and excited. I’m no longer legally tied to him. There is no way his mistakes can now come back to haunt me.

Today I feel, off balance, I’ve been saying for so long “When I get a divorce…” and, I can never say that again. It feels so unreal.

Today I feel was, anticlimactic. Shouldn’t there have been fireworks and confetti or something? But, no, I simply walked in to the court house alone, asked if the judge signed the paperwork, was told yes, walked out to my car, stopped for an orange soda, and went home. I’ve been waiting for years for this, and it changed absolutely nothing.

Today I feel in shock, like I’m watching somebody else’s life. It hasn’t sank in yet.

Today I feel, slightly sad. Today the man I promised forever too became just someone I used to know. I’ve always said, my Joe died that night, the night I found out about the affairs, he was replaced with an entirely different person, and today I threw my handful of dirt on his coffin. And that was kind of hard to be honest. And, it was never that I wanted that person back, I always knew, somehow, there was no hope for reconciliation, that the man I loved had died, and I had no interest in his replacement.

It’s an odd feeling really. I mean, I did love Joe, but, the man I divorced today was not at all the man I married. The rare twinge of nostalgia I have, the rare moments I miss are equal to missing my grandpa giving me cookies. I know he’s gone, I know he’s happier now, and, I wouldn’t wish him back for anything. I couldn’t take him back anymore than I could raise my grandfather from the dead.

Today I feel, some sense of failure. The insecure 21 yr old is still here under the woman who learned so many lessons, and wonders what I did wrong. I also feel some failure because I did mean it when I married him. I meant my vows. However, it took two to keep that promise. I couldn’t do this by myself, no matter how hard I tried.

However, today I also feel empowered and hopeful. I have learned a lot. I have changed a lot. I did have time to work on those flaws from years ago, and become a better person, a person more equipt to deal with the ups and downs in my current relationship. I’ve become someone who is comfortable being me, but not so comfortable I can’t change when a flaw is pointed out, but, also someone who can recognize if it truly is a flaw being pointed out, or if it is someone trying to tear me down. I’m feeling hopeful because I am young and I get a second chance to try to be happy and to learn from the mistakes in the past.

I am hopeful because I am in a relationship, and I know I have the capacity to love with my whole heart and forgive far more than I ever thought I would need to. And, I think, at times, one person in a relationship needs to be the bigger person to keep moving forward. The key is probably taking turns. I am confident, I found someone this time who is willing to love me completely and unconditionally, and I will do the same for him, and if I technically made a horrible marriage last almost a decade, what will we be able to do with a good relationship?!

And finally, I feel relieved. I probably feel that most of all, my life is no longer in a holding pattern while I wait for a divorce, while I wait for him to make a new threat to change some term of the divorce. I am free of him, and I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. There is no going back now, if he is a jerk to me, we can’t suddenly become remarried, he can’t undo this for me. And that is a really nice feeling.

I’m waiting, expecting, a huge breakdown and lots of tears, but I honestly don’t think it’s coming. Now, I just need to wash my hands of the dirt I buried my marriage with, and move on to tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

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