I’ll start off just by saying, I’m angry.
I’m not ready to just completely cut out everyone from my life, but that’s mainly because my kids would be heart broken. I’m trying to establish boundaries, and learning how deep some old habits go.
It’s supposedly some big thing in my family for everyone to get together and bake goodies before Thanksgiving. Last year, I was the ONLY person who did it. My mom left even. I made everything, everyone else had other things to do. So, this year, she reminds me I am supposed to be there, and I say I can’t make it. (this is after I emailed her a few weeks ago and told her I was angry, that I didn’t want to “hang out” anymore.) She gets pouty and questions me. I should have stuck to “That won’t work for me” and instead, I was taken off guard and tried to explain and just sounded stupid. So, anyway, she’s mad at me now.
I guess a few months ago, Sister 3 (S3) kicked her husband out. Why? Well, apparently because he annoyed her too often, and was always too cuddly, and didn’t want her going out bar hopping with her friends every weekend. Then she decides he should come home. So, to celebrate my sister no longer being an ass and their reconciliation, Sister 4 invited (or is going to give them the tickets for Christmas? Not sure) them to go on a cruise with her and her husband. Their treat. AND, they are taking my parents as well. Now, 4 little children need a babysitter, and Punkie is the only responsible adult around that anyone trusts to watch their kids while they leave the country. Ummm…excuse me? S3 is the one who spent years calling me a whore, S4 is still friends with the man who tried to kill me. I told mom I thought they were abusive and didn’t want much to do with them anymore. And, now it is just expected I will babysit? Not only that, but I have my own 2 kids. So, 6 kids, all under the age of ten. I own a sporty sedan, it seats 5. My husband works out of town ALL week, but I’m supposed to stay home with 6 kids for a week? Alone? My S4 will not go buy a loaf of bread without dropping her kids off at my mom’s to be babysat, because it’s so exhausting to be with them. But leave Punkie with SIX kids? No.
And let me get this straight…my husband tried to kill me, and when I needed $10 for gas to drive and apply for jobs after I had him arrested, I couldn’t get help because I was irresponsible? Because I should earn my own money? Because I was an adult and shouldn’t need help? But my sister kicks her husband out so she can be a party girl for a couple months, and then when she wants his income back, asks him to come back, and this needs celebrated with a cruise? REALLY? Same sis paying for the cruise for everyone gave me Hershey’s kisses last Christmas. And you know, I don’t even want to go on a cruise with them. That is kind of my definition of torture, but, jeeze, does everyone need to make it so obvious I’m the low man on the totem pole? Really? Couldn’t you even PRETEND like I mattered?
AND THEN, after I get told I’m basically expected to take care of everyone else, I find out, S3 is moving out of grandpa’s house. Years ago, there was a discussion about who would want the house, should gpa and gma not live in it. I was literally the ONLY person who said, I’d actually like to live there. Fast forward a couple years, and gma is very sick, she needs someone to stay there and take care of her. I volunteered and was told no, my kids were too young, too annoying, I was too busy with school and work. Ok, fine. My aunt ended up moving in. After gma passed away, it was somehow decided that if Aunt stayed and helped gpa, then she would get the house when he passed away. My aunt went nuts, and either left or got kicked out. Now, again, somebody needs to stay with gpa, I volunteered again. Again, was told the same things, plus, I now had a boyfriend, Brad, who was taking up too much of my time. Ok, fine.
So, they tell S3 they need her to move home with her family from a few states away, to help gpa. Same deal. S3 has 2 boys, they are a few years younger than my kids. S3 works, and goes out clubbing, and goes out with friends almost every day, and doesn’t cook or clean, and started taking a class or two at a time. And is married. So, obviously she is a better choice.
Whatever, I got married to Brad, I graduated, we had discussed a year ago or so moving to a bigger house, but ultimately decided it was best for our family to stay in our little house with a little yard, and definitely best for the kids to stay exactly where we were. A couple (?) years have passed, and now s3 is moving out with her family.
I was approached by my mother. That g.pa doesn’t know they are leaving yet, but when he finds out, if he’s willing, am I still willing to go? She said she knows I felt slighted last time, plus, they already thought about everyone else, and it just won’t work with them, I’m the only one left.
When I was homeless I wasn’t a good choice. When I was living off <$10,000/year and paying $500/month for rent and really could have used free room in exchange for putting something in the crockpot before class, I wasn’t good enough. When I was single and mine and my children’s lives were in the middle of constant upheaval, I wasn’t the right person to give any stability to. But, now, now that boyfriend who was too much trouble is my husband, and now the kids and I have moved into a home. Our home. We’ve made it ours. We’ve become part of the community, and their friends all live within a couple blocks, and they are involved in library activities and YMCA stuff, NOW you want us to consider giving everything up, and moving to a county with far fewer resources. Now that the kids have made friends, you want them to give them up.
When me moving in would have been useful for g.ma and g.pa, AND beneficial for me, EVERY.OTHER.PERSON was considered, begged, etc. And I was told no. Now that I have my life straightened out, now that things are good, now that being helpful would require huge sacrifices from me, NOW you find me acceptable to help?
There is a lot more about this, that I will write, but it means another post. In anger, I think no. In sadness, I think I need to say no. Even though I know that is most likely the right choice, it doesn’t make it easier, for many reasons. But, this is all I have to say for now.