Too many thoughts, too little time.

I Can’t Help

God, I don’t even know what to do anymore. I really don’t.

I should call CPS on them, on all of them.

But…they won’t do anything. My ex calls CPS on me periodically…and they basically told me unless I’m doing drugs WITH the kids, they won’t do anything.

So, we perpetuate the cycle.

Mice running along my parents counters. Over them while they sleep. A 9 yr old who can’t read and when you try to help, his mother is quick to say he can read, he’s just a liar trying to make her look bad.

A 7 yr old with no chores, whose school consists of a coloring page now and again, because “he’s a baby”.

One sister who seems to be slowly disappearing behind her husbands’ controlling personality and whiny tantrums.

Another who refuses to grow up. But is quick to judge others, while she takes advantage of everyone and everything. She’s raising children in everyone else’s homes, and letting them live in squalor.

A brother who is happier being basically homeless, living on his girlfriend’s parents couch, rather than with his parents.

A grown brother who can’t read. An illiterate Incredible Hulk.

A depressed brother who lets people take advantage of him and is learning well how to be an alcoholic. I took him food the other day, just to check up on him. He has new roommates…the sister with the kids mentioned before. There is not one inch of floor space not covered in something, in the whole house. He was asleep when I walked in, you can’t walk through. I was glad I had boots on. No food in the fridge, but plenty of cigarettes on the counter. Bags of trash on the porch. It was such a pretty house.

I could tell you so much more. Everybody talks to me. I know all the secrets. And it’s too big a burden to bear. I wish they’d stop.

I don’t know how to help. I just don’t.

If I try to tell one sister she doesn’t have to let him control her, she tells me how I don’t understand, I let my former marriage ruin it. Her husband is amazing, because, whenever she goes out, he calls her right back for a surprise.

If I try to talk to other sister, I have no credibility, because I had a lot of sex and lived with my husband before I was married, AND let my kids visit their father. The Bible says I’m evil, but says nothing about trashing your brother’s home. So, she wins? Plus, apparently I’m jealous of her. And, if you think anyone does anything wrong, you need to work on your forgiveness.

The illiterate brother pretends he can read, and he kind of sort of can, so there is no problem that needs help, right?

The baby is the baby and just doesn’t understand how to sit still and do ANYTHING, and it really hurts his mother’s feelings that we don’t like him, her kids were raised to be close to their siblings. (yeah, because I’m totally gonna chill with a SEVEN year old who acts 3.)

I’ve been where the depressed brother is… Nobody could have helped me, I needed to help me. I’ve tried to be there, but, when he’s doing all this stuff…I don’t know what to do.

I moved in with my parents, and the kids and I shared one room for a year. And, I was told I was a horrible person who was lazy and took advantage of everyone. But, not a word is said to the others who won’t support themselves.

The engine blew on the car I was driving, it wasn’t my car. And, I was yelled and screamed at, for destroying everyone’s cars. I have a reputation of being a bad driver and reckless. I’ve gotten one ticket, ever. It was a seatbelt violation.

I couldn’t understand algebra and I was stupid. The 7 yr old can’t understand how to put away a freaking spoon and it’s because he is a baby.

I went to court to get help, and was branded a liar.

I was raised that all the other ones were my responsibility. If they did anything wrong, it was because I taught them. And, I should have cleaned up after them. I love them, and that training is hard to shake.

But, they’ve all set me in a catch 22….I’m the bad guy, I’m the bad one. If it wasn’t for me, they would all be perfect. My life is good now, but, I have no credibility. I taught them the bad stuff. I’m an irresponsible, reckless, lazy, stupid, liar. Or at least, that’s what we’ve all been taught. So now…I want to help, but nobody wants my help.

Seeing any of them makes me so sad.

I can’t help if you don’t want my help.

I’ve offered. I’ve offered to teach the 9 year old. They don’t want to spend the gas to bring him to me. I’ve offered to help with the 7 yr old, but, if you ever say anything but “good job” to him, he destroys things and hits people. I’ve offered to help the Hulk with reading, he grins and says he doesn’t even like to read, it’s pointless. I’ve tried to take controlled sister out and talk, not to lecture, just to give her a chance to say something if she needs to. Her husband shows up wherever we are to surprise her. I’ve babysat for evil sister, and picked up drunken brother from the strip club with no judgment. But then they all get mad at me for thinking I’m better than them. So, I can’t do or say anything.

I’m not even angry about the unfairness of it all now. I’m sad. I’m realizing how all those messages growing up destroyed any chance to help today.

I just have to step away, don’t I? If they ask for help, I can help…but, until then…for my own sanity I think I just need to stop. To stop trying. Despite what I have been taught, their life, their successes are not actually my responsibility. I didn’t teach them all the bad. That is illogical, because if I had that much influence, shouldn’t some of the good have worn off too? I’m never thanked for teaching long division, or swimming. No, just berated for the bad.

But, if i step away, who is the safety net? Especially for the little kids?

I am so very torn up over all of this. I need to take a stand, but, then I lose them all. Even the little ones. My kids lose their friends and more family.

Sometimes, I wish Brad’s boss would tell him he has to come out to the office to work. We’d get to leave, and not be the bad guys. I left for his work, not because i think i’m better than everyone. But, I don’t think that’s best for us either.

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Comments on: "I Can’t Help" (2)

  1. Boundaries, Punky… you gotta have ’em and keep ’em well shored up. There truly is nothing you can do except keep living your successful life. It’s a beacon of hope for all of them IF they’re looking for one. There’s too much history between you for you to be able to help. Keep the door open if they come knocking for legitimate help (not enabling-type help, like babysitting or a financial loan). Call CPS again and again and again – the squeaky wheel, and all that. It IS sad and tragic, but you can’t do much unless they want to change.

    • I know you’re right. Bossy is a hard habit to break, I just want to march in and take charge. But, I just can’t. We know better than to give loans, and I would love to go help Soldier brother clean up his place, but, unless he kicks out sister, it will look like that again in a matter of days.

      I’m trying to learn boundaries. I’m trying to learn what is supposed to be, how it is supposed to be. We were raised that EVERYONE was out to get us. You never tell anyone anything. We had to stick together. I’ve been pulling away, and have been catching hell for it. I’m still pulling away, but it’s frustrating. I know, I need to come to terms with the fact, I need to break off these unhealthy relationships, and they will never say “Yeah, we deserved that.”…I want to be liked, damn it! I’m getting there…well, to the boundaries, not the being liked. 🙂

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