Too many thoughts, too little time.

Archive for March, 2014

Intentional

intentional adjective

Intentional. This is my word of the year. I don’t usually do New Years Resolutions. But, this year, I’ve decided to work on me. I kind of started 9 months ago or so, but,”intentional” is more recent.

I realized how often I was saying I didn’t mean to do something, or I ran out of time. Ok, maybe I didn’t MEAN to yell at the kids. But, did I mean not to? I ran out of time and didn’t get the sheets washed on Saturday. Ok…did I run out of time? Or did I find other, unimportant things that I chose instead? I didn’t mean to gain so much weight, but, I certainly wasn’t intentionally keeping it off.

So I started this year asking myself questions. As the year has progressed, I’ve added more questions. Am I choosing to do this or am I doing it out of habit? laziness? Am I deliberately doing this? Am I procrastinating by doing  this instead of that? 

And, I’ve decided that it is ok to be lazy sometimes. But, I don’t want to do it out of habit. I have talked to Brad in the evenings before and said “I am deliberately choosing to not set my alarm and go to the gym in the morning.”

But, by saying “I choose”, “I am deliberately”, “I am intentionally”… it keeps me accountable to myself. I can’t get away with excuses as easily anymore.

And, the change has apparently been noticeable. To the point Brad has stolen my word of the year! He will get up and say “look, I am intentionally putting my shoes away because I know it annoys you to have them in the entryway.”. “I am deliberately getting up right now to hang up those shelves before I forget.”

It really seems to be working for me, as a way to change some behaviors and attitudes. It is hard, even to tell yourself “I am purposely overspending on the grocery budget this week.” or “I completely mean to drive 10 mph faster than the sign says.”

I’m becoming who I want to be. On purpose. do life

More Empathy, Less Judgement

kinder

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m working on losing weight. And, this struggle has taught me quite a bit. I’m learning that some of the things I said I didn’t want to do “because I didn’t like it”, actually had nothing to do with if I liked it or not, but rather, I was afraid I was too heavy to do them. I’ve learned how often I’ve lied to myself. And, I’ve learned a lot of empathy.

Because, I’ve had setbacks, and I’ve had to deal with them. But, the people around me had no idea what I was going through.

Like in October, when I broke my foot and my son had to push me around the grocery store in a wheelchair. I was afraid people would think it was because I was fat, especially because I didn’t even get a cast, the break wasn’t bad enough.

Or, several weeks later. I was ready to try Zumba again, but, I sat out the faster paced songs, and even left halfway through one class. Did the new people assume it was because I was so out of shape, not knowing 6 weeks before I was working out a couple hours a day.

A friend broke up with her boyfriend, but for some reason he kept me as a friend on Facebook, and once he wrote something like “Hey fatass at McDonalds, a diet Coke isn’t gonna do you any good with that super sized big mac meal.” I admit, on a given Tuesday, I may be the fat chick in front of you, ordering the exact same thing. Because, I had done Zumba 3 hours that day and burned 1500 calories, just from exercise. I’ve already added the meal into my daily calories, and I am still at a 1000 calorie deficit, as long as I get the diet drink. And, I have the photos to prove it’s working.

Today, I was on the elliptical at the gym. I was going kind of slow, 3-4 mph and I was so tired. While the man beside me went from 6-12 mph. He went 5 miles to my 2.5, we started at about the same time. I didn’t feel like I was being judged, but…what if he had been? You know what he doesn’t know? That I’m recovering from surgery. I’ve been on a liquid diet for almost 3 weeks now, and struggle to get in my 1200 calories. I told my husband I wouldn’t work out until I was sure I was eating enough. Today was my first day back at the gym. But, I just look slow.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been the judgey person far too often. I’ve seen people on the scooters at the store and thought “You wouldn’t be so heavy if you walked instead.” But, I didn’t know that person yesterday, or 4 years ago, or whatever. You can look at me right now, and think “Wow, she should lose weight.” But, unless you know ME, you won’t know that I’ve lost 40 pounds over the last year. That I’m down 60 from my highest.

And, if the neighbors feel like judging me this summer when I mow the lawn in the first pair of shorts I’ve owned in almost 10 years, it’ll be ok. I won’t let it get to me, because I know how far I’ve come. And, I’m going to show off a bit. lol

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247 vs 207

 

Another 247 vs 207

Another 247 vs 207

 

And, at my very heaviest, when I was....23? I was about 265-270. And, the other pic was today, 7 years later and down to 207.

And, at my very heaviest, when I was….23? I was about 265-270. And, the other pic was today, 7 years later and down to 207.

 

When I get to 199 I get a new cell phone case, since I don’t want to buy a bunch of clothes that won’t fit for very long! The funny thing about that last picture. I remember the day the pic where I’m in the white shirt was taken. I remember thinking I looked great. I had done my make up and my hair, everything. Today, I was on my way to the gym. I have on yoga pants and an old shirt looks crappy. I haven’t put on make up in a week or so. My hair is in a bandana. And, I think I look great.

Really Pleased

Friday I had major dental work done.

I’ve always hated my teeth. They’ve never been great looking. They began crumbling almost monthly about 8 yrs ago. A little bit at a time. I haven’t chewed on the left side of my mouth in about 8 years, and about 2 months ago it became almost impossible to chew on the right side either. So, I was kinda mashing food on the top of my mouth with my tongue and swallowing.

It would be about $20,000 (and 6 root canals) to get my teeth just ok, and I’d still have to deal with fixing them all the time, because I had no enamel. For considerably less, they could remove most of them and replace them. I decided to go with that option. I am in a ton of pain, still, but it’s lessening. The partial on the bottom doesn’t fit quite right, but I knew that was a strong possibility, and have already made an appt for tomorrow to get it adjusted. Plus, these are only temporary, for the next 6 months or so. When the swelling is completely gone, and the wounds have healed, I’ll get new ones again.

I really struggled with this decision. I’m only 29, I can’t need fake teeth! What if I look ugly? What if my husband is embarrassed by me? What if I regret it? What if, what if, what if… But, doing nothing meant I couldn’t chew, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t walk out in this cold weather without being in terrible pain. I was embarrassed to meet new people. So, I made my choice, and I’m thrilled and I’m not even at 100% yet. My face is still swollen, I can’t chew yet, and the bottom part doesn’t sit right, but, this will all be better soon.

Before:

IMG_3375

After:

IMG_3398

This isn’t how I’ll look in the end, like I said, my face is swollen, plus, I’m laying down in the photo, so I look kind funny. But, I am really, super happy about this.

I hate Facebook Sometimes

I wrote some posts recently, and as I typed, I realized some things needed to change between my family and I. I seemed to only be remembered if somebody needed something, and if I dared to speak up, I was belittled. I was made fun of for being the martyr, or for being over sensitive. While my siblings all joked and tagged each other in things on Facebook, I was ignored. When invites were sent out to go out for dinner, guess who wasn’t invited. When I broke my foot in Oct, not one person said “hey, you need anything while I’m out?” Nope, instead, I drove to the store, dropped my 9 yr old off at the door, he went in to get a wheel chair, while I parked, then he brought it out to me, while he and his younger brother helped push me through the slush into the store.

I’m supposed to forgive, and I’m the bad guy for not being able to, but there seems to be no end to the new things to forgive. I decided, I was quite hurt that I was just kind of ignored. Like I said, broken foot, nobody offered to help. Last weekend, Brad and I didn’t have the kids. His flight had been delayed multiple times. He finally got home 4 hours late. I made a new recipe. My mom had called before Brad got home, and asked what I was doing. I said I was making dinner and said what it was. She said “oh that sounds good. We were calling to ask if you wanted to go out with us, but I guess not.” I said “Thanks for the invite, but I’m really excited about trying this new dish, and I’m sure Brad will be tired.” Brad came home, we ate dinner, and seeing as the kids weren’t home, after dinner, we headed to the bedroom. I heard my phone go off from a text, but I was busy. About 10 minutes later it went off again. I ignored it again. Eventually, I went to get my phone, because the kids weren’t home, and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t them. I jokingly said “it’s probably my mother, she wants to come over for dinner.” And then the doorbell rang.

I yelled “just a second.” and glanced at my phone

Text 1: “Sweetie, honey, dear, can daddy come over and eat at your house, we’re on the way to town.”

Text 2: “No, we aren’t sitting in the driveway waiting for an answer.”

So, my parents apparently sat in the driveway waiting for my answer, while I had sex with my husband? Seriously? And nobody finds this strange?

I opened the door, and got made fun of because they “interrupted us” and it was obvious, because there was a trail of clothes. Yeah…Brad’s coat on the back of the sofa, and my shoes, one in the living room and one in the hallway. I didn’t bother to explain, my shoes fell off when he was proving he could give me a piggy pack ride. I’ve lost weight, I’m pretty happy to find out this sort of thing.

So, I deleted my family off my Facebook. I didn’t need to be reminded about all the things I got left out of. I didn’t need tagged in redneck photos. I didn’t need to be angry every time I saw the horribly misspelled posts. I didn’t need to be reminded of how “other” I am, while they post urban legends as truth, and “Obama needs to show his birth certificate” crap. I was getting irritated when my feed was full of things I disagreed with, but wasn’t “allowed” to say. Worse yet when they put my name on it, like I agreed with their opinions on black people, abortion, guns, religion or education.

Mind you, I made it so they couldn’t see anything I posted. Back in SEPTEMBER. Nobody noticed. I could still be tagged in crap. So, I deleted them. And, I didn’t get tagged in something, and now they notice.

So, my mom called me. She wanted to know if I’d deleted her and my sisters. I had wondered how to deal with it. Do I pretend it was an accident and re add them? Do I tell them I quit Facebook? Do I go off? What? I hadn’t decided yet. So, she asked me, and I had a second to decide. I finally said “I’m angry about a lot of things, and hurt about a lot of things. I’m tired of being reminded of it, and of having new things. I hid you all 6 months ago or so, nobody even noticed I didn’t post anything anymore. I was hurt that nobody even offered to help when I hurt my foot.” And she said “Well, fine. We said call us if you need something,but, just…whatever. You can think what you want.”

Yes, because I’m going to call my mother, and said “will you drive 25 miles south today and bring me a pepsi?” And, even IF I did that, I wouldn’t get one any time near when I thought. I could call at 9am, they’d tell me they’d be over at 11am, and show up at 6pm. If they had called and said “hey, I’m a the store, need me to pick up anything while I’m here?” I would have said yes. But, I don’t actually know their schedules. My schedule at the time was 1.Wake up 2. Make breakfast 3.School with the kids 4. Sit on the sofa and keep weight off my foot the rest of the day, except for making meals.

And you know…I am a firm believer in trying to tell someone you love them in a “language” they understand. I’ve told them that I don’t “understand” the way they tell me they are saying it. It doesn’t matter.

So anyway, I was proud of myself for not lying. Not telling them I would re add them. Not apologizing. I don’t need the drama in my life, and unfortunately, getting rid of it will cause more for a little while. But, it’s a start.

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