Too many thoughts, too little time.

I wrote some posts recently, and as I typed, I realized some things needed to change between my family and I. I seemed to only be remembered if somebody needed something, and if I dared to speak up, I was belittled. I was made fun of for being the martyr, or for being over sensitive. While my siblings all joked and tagged each other in things on Facebook, I was ignored. When invites were sent out to go out for dinner, guess who wasn’t invited. When I broke my foot in Oct, not one person said “hey, you need anything while I’m out?” Nope, instead, I drove to the store, dropped my 9 yr old off at the door, he went in to get a wheel chair, while I parked, then he brought it out to me, while he and his younger brother helped push me through the slush into the store.

I’m supposed to forgive, and I’m the bad guy for not being able to, but there seems to be no end to the new things to forgive. I decided, I was quite hurt that I was just kind of ignored. Like I said, broken foot, nobody offered to help. Last weekend, Brad and I didn’t have the kids. His flight had been delayed multiple times. He finally got home 4 hours late. I made a new recipe. My mom had called before Brad got home, and asked what I was doing. I said I was making dinner and said what it was. She said “oh that sounds good. We were calling to ask if you wanted to go out with us, but I guess not.” I said “Thanks for the invite, but I’m really excited about trying this new dish, and I’m sure Brad will be tired.” Brad came home, we ate dinner, and seeing as the kids weren’t home, after dinner, we headed to the bedroom. I heard my phone go off from a text, but I was busy. About 10 minutes later it went off again. I ignored it again. Eventually, I went to get my phone, because the kids weren’t home, and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t them. I jokingly said “it’s probably my mother, she wants to come over for dinner.” And then the doorbell rang.

I yelled “just a second.” and glanced at my phone

Text 1: “Sweetie, honey, dear, can daddy come over and eat at your house, we’re on the way to town.”

Text 2: “No, we aren’t sitting in the driveway waiting for an answer.”

So, my parents apparently sat in the driveway waiting for my answer, while I had sex with my husband? Seriously? And nobody finds this strange?

I opened the door, and got made fun of because they “interrupted us” and it was obvious, because there was a trail of clothes. Yeah…Brad’s coat on the back of the sofa, and my shoes, one in the living room and one in the hallway. I didn’t bother to explain, my shoes fell off when he was proving he could give me a piggy pack ride. I’ve lost weight, I’m pretty happy to find out this sort of thing.

So, I deleted my family off my Facebook. I didn’t need to be reminded about all the things I got left out of. I didn’t need tagged in redneck photos. I didn’t need to be angry every time I saw the horribly misspelled posts. I didn’t need to be reminded of how “other” I am, while they post urban legends as truth, and “Obama needs to show his birth certificate” crap. I was getting irritated when my feed was full of things I disagreed with, but wasn’t “allowed” to say. Worse yet when they put my name on it, like I agreed with their opinions on black people, abortion, guns, religion or education.

Mind you, I made it so they couldn’t see anything I posted. Back in SEPTEMBER. Nobody noticed. I could still be tagged in crap. So, I deleted them. And, I didn’t get tagged in something, and now they notice.

So, my mom called me. She wanted to know if I’d deleted her and my sisters. I had wondered how to deal with it. Do I pretend it was an accident and re add them? Do I tell them I quit Facebook? Do I go off? What? I hadn’t decided yet. So, she asked me, and I had a second to decide. I finally said “I’m angry about a lot of things, and hurt about a lot of things. I’m tired of being reminded of it, and of having new things. I hid you all 6 months ago or so, nobody even noticed I didn’t post anything anymore. I was hurt that nobody even offered to help when I hurt my foot.” And she said “Well, fine. We said call us if you need something,but, just…whatever. You can think what you want.”

Yes, because I’m going to call my mother, and said “will you drive 25 miles south today and bring me a pepsi?” And, even IF I did that, I wouldn’t get one any time near when I thought. I could call at 9am, they’d tell me they’d be over at 11am, and show up at 6pm. If they had called and said “hey, I’m a the store, need me to pick up anything while I’m here?” I would have said yes. But, I don’t actually know their schedules. My schedule at the time was 1.Wake up 2. Make breakfast 3.School with the kids 4. Sit on the sofa and keep weight off my foot the rest of the day, except for making meals.

And you know…I am a firm believer in trying to tell someone you love them in a “language” they understand. I’ve told them that I don’t “understand” the way they tell me they are saying it. It doesn’t matter.

So anyway, I was proud of myself for not lying. Not telling them I would re add them. Not apologizing. I don’t need the drama in my life, and unfortunately, getting rid of it will cause more for a little while. But, it’s a start.


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