As I’ve mentioned before, I’m working on losing weight. And, this struggle has taught me quite a bit. I’m learning that some of the things I said I didn’t want to do “because I didn’t like it”, actually had nothing to do with if I liked it or not, but rather, I was afraid I was too heavy to do them. I’ve learned how often I’ve lied to myself. And, I’ve learned a lot of empathy.
Because, I’ve had setbacks, and I’ve had to deal with them. But, the people around me had no idea what I was going through.
Like in October, when I broke my foot and my son had to push me around the grocery store in a wheelchair. I was afraid people would think it was because I was fat, especially because I didn’t even get a cast, the break wasn’t bad enough.
Or, several weeks later. I was ready to try Zumba again, but, I sat out the faster paced songs, and even left halfway through one class. Did the new people assume it was because I was so out of shape, not knowing 6 weeks before I was working out a couple hours a day.
A friend broke up with her boyfriend, but for some reason he kept me as a friend on Facebook, and once he wrote something like “Hey fatass at McDonalds, a diet Coke isn’t gonna do you any good with that super sized big mac meal.” I admit, on a given Tuesday, I may be the fat chick in front of you, ordering the exact same thing. Because, I had done Zumba 3 hours that day and burned 1500 calories, just from exercise. I’ve already added the meal into my daily calories, and I am still at a 1000 calorie deficit, as long as I get the diet drink. And, I have the photos to prove it’s working.
Today, I was on the elliptical at the gym. I was going kind of slow, 3-4 mph and I was so tired. While the man beside me went from 6-12 mph. He went 5 miles to my 2.5, we started at about the same time. I didn’t feel like I was being judged, but…what if he had been? You know what he doesn’t know? That I’m recovering from surgery. I’ve been on a liquid diet for almost 3 weeks now, and struggle to get in my 1200 calories. I told my husband I wouldn’t work out until I was sure I was eating enough. Today was my first day back at the gym. But, I just look slow.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve been the judgey person far too often. I’ve seen people on the scooters at the store and thought “You wouldn’t be so heavy if you walked instead.” But, I didn’t know that person yesterday, or 4 years ago, or whatever. You can look at me right now, and think “Wow, she should lose weight.” But, unless you know ME, you won’t know that I’ve lost 40 pounds over the last year. That I’m down 60 from my highest.
And, if the neighbors feel like judging me this summer when I mow the lawn in the first pair of shorts I’ve owned in almost 10 years, it’ll be ok. I won’t let it get to me, because I know how far I’ve come. And, I’m going to show off a bit. lol
When I get to 199 I get a new cell phone case, since I don’t want to buy a bunch of clothes that won’t fit for very long! The funny thing about that last picture. I remember the day the pic where I’m in the white shirt was taken. I remember thinking I looked great. I had done my make up and my hair, everything. Today, I was on my way to the gym. I have on yoga pants and an old shirt looks crappy. I haven’t put on make up in a week or so. My hair is in a bandana. And, I think I look great.