Too many thoughts, too little time.

Leave Me to My Delusions

I have an aunt, my mom’s sister, who seems to like to be in the middle of drama, she tells a lot of info that is really not any of her business, on the basis of keeping everyone informed. I know this. So when she wrote to me the other day to ask how things were, I wrote back a nice long e-mail. About our anniversary trip, about my tattoo, about my youngest son’s broken wrist, asked about her family, etc. I also knew she was fishing for other information, so I said Mike was staying here, it’s been an adjustment, but I actually see very little of him, so it hasn’t been too bad. He mainly talks to Brad, because they are buddies.

I got back an e-mail. More probing questions, asking me about things that happened awhile back, things I know she already knows about. I replied with minimal information, basically agreeing to things she already knew happened, reiterating, I was the worst person to go to for information. She asked about the whole thing about my biological father. I gave a very quick run down, stating clearly, that I was not involved with it, I don’t know what was said, who was told what. I didn’t care to be involved, and I wanted to know nothing.

I got back a long e-mail telling me how she knew this would happen, how I should have been told sooner (I was like, 4 when I found out. She somehow thinks I didn’t know until last year). How she knew this was why my mom hated her, because she believed in telling me the truth, not hiding it.

And then, she proceeded to give me a lot of information. A lot of irrelevant crap. Yes, I could have figured out I was conceived in April, thanks for that.

And then was condescending with “Well, technically Lee IS your father, he adopted you. He just isn’t your biological father, so saying you know he isn’t your father isn’t exactly correct.”

Yeah…I knew that too. I thought the important part had been conveyed, I don’t need to be talked down to.

and, she ended with “Well, if you ever change your mind, I can tell you everything. Your bio father’s name, where he lives, or all about your half-brothers and half-sisters.”

I read that and have been a wreck since then. I didn’t want to know anything. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m more upset about this than I am about the fact nobody in my family cares to speak to me.

This was the day after Mike brought it up that my parents wanted him to let me know, if I was going to go looking for bio dad, I needed to take a guy with me, because he was abusive and terrible. And, I told Mike I didn’t want to know anything, before he said that. That’s when he went “well, it’s probably for the best…XYZ.”

Look, I’ve spent my whole life being told I was so stuck up, and had no common sense because I was too smart, and I thought I was better than everyone if I used proper grammar. My family is a bunch of rednecks, for lack of a better description. I’ve never fit in, ever.

I’ve spent almost 30 yrs consoling myself with the fact I wasn’t completely related. Maybe bio left for Harvard and he didn’t want a baby to ruin his life. Maybe he’s some genius doctor taking care of poor people in Africa. Maybe I was conceived on a one night stand and will never know I’m secretly a Russian princess. Ok, I’ve never actually thought THAT one. But, in my head, I had decided Bio was a stupid kid, who got scared and ran away, realized his mistake and was a great person and a great father for a couple years to a couple kids, before he was killed in a motorcycle accident one night.  I can understand being scared and running away. I can understand learning from your mistakes. Of course nobody ever wondered about me, he’s dead.

Except he’s not. And, I feel abandoned all over again.

And now i know, there is at least 5 more people who don’t give a shit about me.

Thanks for your loving honesty Kris and Mike.

Kris did end her e-mail with this was why i was her and her husband’s favorite, because I’d been through so much, starting the day I was born my life has been turmoil, but I’ve always been caring and loving. That’s why it was important to tell me the truth.

But, I wasn’t dealing with any turmoil until that…

I haven’t responded. How can I even respond to this? I can’t, she doesn’t know my life well enough to know that her “help” has left me devastated, and I can’t even explain it well without launching into a 3 week, 24 hour a day, lecture.

So, I’ll ignore it.

Me assuming my bio was a nice dead guy wasn’t hurting anybody though. So, how was “I don’t want to know anything” unclear? Why tell me anything?



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