Too many thoughts, too little time.



My friend found the perfect word. Surreal. This is all just that.

I think I’m doing ok, though people keep asking if it is just an act. No, it isn’t.

I’m not that upset. I am almost glad to have a name for this. So, I can explain sooooo many things.

My frustration and fear comes from the uncertainty. Like, before there was a chance I this was a fluke and I could brush it off. now, I know it is here to stay.

I’ve been reading. I’ve found a few places where people are talking. Things that made me happy to read. The woman who ran the marathon yesterday, the other woman trying to get an adaption for her crossbow so she can hunt deer this year. People just being them, with a little bit of help. But, that doesn’t change the, what seem to be common, stories of people that woke up one morning paralyzed. No warning. And, a month later woke up another morning and were fine. Or who woke up blind one morning. And, days or weeks later opened their eyes again and could see.

That part is the scary part.

I’ve been weak and feeling vertigo for over a week, that is part of why I went to the hospital. So, I thought I had this figured out. Then last night, I was in the middle of a sentence, and all of a sudden it felt like I was talking around a mouthful of those giant-s’more marshmallows. I said that, and Brad said I sounded fine. But it was incredibly weird. That lasted a couple hours. Then I had to explain to the kids. That my charging cables (nervous system) was busy being chewed on by little mice (immune system). And, just like with worn cables they owned, a lot of time I won’t even notice there is some damage, everything will work fine, just a bit chewed up. But, sometimes when you put your iPod on one of those crappy cords, you have to wiggle it around, or drop the cord over the lamp first, and even then it will only work sometimes. So, if I had a moment like that, just know i wiggled the cord a bit too much after plugging it in, and I lost charge. The meds are the guys trying to splice the wires together again, and wrap them in tape, but it takes time. They seemed to understand and be happy with that explanation.

Another unexpected thing…I got in the shower the other morning, and forgot how to do it. Yup, almost 30 yrs old and I forgot how to get the soap out. So, I cried. I even recognized, in my head, “Stop, take a deep breath. A shower is NOT actually detrimental. Even if you do it wrong it’s ok. nobody will know.” According to the MRI, I am having a really bad flare up, with a LOT of active infection, so, that is why everything is so weird right now. Soon, I will be fine.

Today I slept in, which was nice, ever since the 9th, I’ve been falling asleep at 1am and waking up at 4am. Last night I slept from midnight to 5, then off and on until 8.

Everyone keeps telling me the meds will make me ravenously hungry. That hasn’t started yet. And, I’ve been craving healthy food. I’ve never craved a nice, leafy, green salad more than when the hospital somehow messed up the cottage cheese.

I’ve walked the dog. Not far, on .25-.50 miles, and it’s really slow, but I did it.

I cooked yesterday, lunch and dinner. Real food, not box meals. I love cooking, so it was nice that I got to. Though, Brad and Mike watched me like hawks, and hovered behind me, in case I lost my balance.

Today I got out of bed, and for the first time Brad didn’t jump up to help me. So, I got dressed and came to the kitchen, had breakfast. Even been walking normally a bit, without the cane.

And last night I came to the realization, that if this had to happen, I’m so glad everything has played out like it has. now, instead of ten years ago. Now, when I have a supportive and loving husband. Now, when the boys are big enough they can’t be carried around anymore. I can’t even imagine how scary it would be to hold a new baby, and not be sure if your arm would keep working. Even 4 or 5 years ago, I think this would have been so much worse. I would not have had as good an attitude, at all. I had no hobbies, nothing to look forward to getting back to.

And, I’m going to just state, my husband works for the best company. He is ON this week’s schedule, that way nobody looks at it and says “Oh, Brad isn’t working, he can go fix this”. But, anything he does is optional. They moved around these multi-million dollar accounts for him, in case he had to take me to the doctor.

Honestly, I feel like a 90 yr old woman. Curled up, napping on the sofa, in my cardigans and house shoes, my cane by my side. Sometime’s I have no idea what is going on. Sometimes the weight of Brad’s arm is too heavy on my shoulders. Hopefully, by December, I’ll be back to normal.


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