Too many thoughts, too little time.

Archive for December, 2014

Looking Forward to a New Year

This year was exhausting. The highs were very high, and the lows were equally as low.

I’ve just been feeling very melancholy this week. I’m ready for the year to be over. How about 2015 just be calm?

I told Brad recently, I was thankful for all the traveling we’ve had this year, because that has broken up a lot of bad. I feel slightly on the edge of a mental breakdown, and I don’t even want to think of where I’d be if I wasn’t regularly running away. It has just been a very, very hectic year. With a lot of stressful stuff.

Can I whine for a few minutes? I’ve tried so hard to have a good attitude, but, I’m tired.

This year started with all the married adults in my family going on a cruise, my sister bought them for Christmas last year. Except for us. We got a board game, and a 2 week babysitting job. Oh, my sister needed the cruise, because she had reconciled with her husband after she was caught cheating. She never stopped. This was also when my mom asked me if I was willing to move in with Grandpa, because they asked everyone they thought would be a good fit and everyone else said no, so that just left me.

I had all that dental work done, and a good portion of my own teeth removed. Which makes me feel really ugly, and old.

I took my parents to Chicago, because my mom had been wanting to go for 35 years. Where I was ditched, at the Museum of Science and Industry, so they could have sex in the bathroom.

My birthday party, where my parents screamed about how I was a drug addict, in front of my neighbors, some who won’t even talk to me anymore now. Where they said hitting your kids with belts until the bruise and vacuum cords is not abuse. Where they said that there was nothing neglectful about our education. My 18 yr old brother can’t read, but damn it, he’s a Christian. Then, they went home and told everyone that they were leaving me alone for 12 yrs that way I wouldn’t get their 6 yr old taken away.

Oh, how about when my 23 yr old brother sat at dinner at our table and explained why it was ok for him to use women, because they were all worthless whores anyway if they’d been with more that X amount of people. X amount is about a third of the people I’ve been with. Then, he told us about the 14 yr old he fucked when his wife left, but it was ok, because she was a whore. I couldn’t get him to give me ANY more info about this girl, and I feel terrible about it.

My brother-in-law moved in to our already small house, for a little over a month. And, for that month I stayed up talking and comforting him until 2am, 3 am, every night. While my sister made snide remarks (and still does) implying that there is something inappropriate about our relationship. There isn’t. Never has been.

I ran into my mom. I tried to walk away. She chased me. Through the store, through the parking lot. Screaming “Why won’t you talk to me?”, “I have no idea what we ever did to you.” I got to my car and said “Well, we can start with you guys screaming I did drugs.” she screamed “We never said that. We never thought that.” When I pointed out the half dozen people who could back me up, she told me I was delusional, I was bitter, I was a bad person. I needed to get therapy and to deal with my anger issues. I needed to learn to forgive. I was a hateful, bitter woman, and she “hoped that one day I could grow enough as a person to forgive and more on.” I got in my car and drove away.

Mike told his cheating x that I was gonna change my name to Katie, and my sister called and bitched me out, and went off about how I can’t do that. This is just me trying to separate myself. This is another example of me thinking I’m better than everyone, and that’s not ok.

I had two uncles die within 2 weeks of each other in October. Nobody told me. I found out on Facebook. Luckily, in time for the funerals. At one funeral, my cousin’s wedding was brought up, I said we hadn’t gotten an invite. Apparently, to save on postage, they gave my invite to my parents, who assured him they would give it to me. Knowing they wouldn’t. At one funeral, my 9 yr old brother ran to me, hugged me, begged to come visit. I told him I love him, he could come visit with my 2 teenage brothers. That’s when his dad stomped into the doorway, and yelled at him, IN THE VIEWING ROOM, to get away from me, and not to talk to me anymore.

I found out my ex husband is engaged. which, great, he likes being in a relationship. Sometimes 2 or 3 at a time. But, the woman he is marrying is nasty, and mean to the kids. And, I can’t do anything about it.

I saw my sister, in October, not the cheating one, she was pregnant, and she was trying to pressure me into throwing her a baby shower.

Speaking of pregnancy and cheating sister, guess who is pregnant. With the married guy’s kid? Yup, her. I’d been saying for years the fall off her high horse would be incredible. I didn’t know how right I’d be.

I did not throw a baby shower, that sister had her baby a couple weeks ago, 9 weeks early. We’ve been to visit her, while praying no one else is there then.

In October my mom’s sister wrote to me, to try to tell me about my biological father. I told her I didn’t want to know anything, but she told me more than I wanted to know.

The beginning of November, my mom’s other sister, wrote to me. Telling me everything about my biological father. She started off with “You’ll probably hate me, but I think you need to know all this.” and went on. I tried not to read it, but I read too much. And, right after that I end up in the hospital, where I get diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (completely out of the blue), and my flare up was probably brought on by stress.

Which then brings with it all the medical bills for a 5 day stay in the hospital.

Before this though, I was sad and missing family, and reached out to my married cousin (on my dad’s side). Who I have always been close to. I wanted to go out for lunch, and I know he’s had a bit of a rough year as well. He lives about an hour away, so going for lunch requires a bit of a plan. We went back and forth about how to make this happen. Then he said something like “I want to see your tattoo” I said “You’ll have to wait for summer, you can’t see it in pants, only in shorts.” and he said “well, I guess I’ll have to get you out of them than.” WHAT.THE.HELL.?!?! So I told that was not ok, and haven’t spoken to him since.

Now, the end of the year. Which means Brad has time off, lots of time. The washing machine broke. My car has a headlight issue. I have to pick a medication and go to the dr again. We need to schedule service for both cars, because we have 2 Pontiacs, and 15 active recalls for each. Today is Brad’s birthday, he’s sick.

I feel sad, lonely, abandoned. I’m trying to tell myself that every interaction I’ve had this year has reinforced that walking away was the right choice, but I still can’t help but wonder why this is ok. Why it is easier to shout at me in a Dollar Tree parking lot (god I sound like white trash don’t I?) than it is to say “You are right, we probably didn’t need to hit our children with a vacuum cord.”?

I’m sad, and tired. And, upset. And, trying so hard not to be, because getting worked up will just put me back in the hospital.

Brad keep saying how he thought not having to do holidays with my family would be less stressful, but I’m still stressed. I think, since this is the first year, I’m still adjusting, and that is causing the stress. It probably will be better next year.I didn’t get out of dealing with family though, I had to explain why I won’t be places. We were invited to a couple things, along with my parents, that we won’t be attending. Oh, and my brother brought Christmas gifts over for us, from my parents. Thing 1 got a wallet, and some little toy. Thing 2 got a board game. Hubs got a really nice Starbucks travel coffee mug. I got a white ear band/warmer thing. You know what I’m talking about. They are knit, and a $1 at Walmart. Which…ok…let’s assume the best. I’m always cold? It was a gift, they were thinking of me? White would match any color coat I have? Having left over paper taped to it though…I didn’t unwrap it, so much as I was handed this white thing, with a piece of wrapping sat on it, held on with a piece of tape. It would have been nicer just to forget me. i wish that is what they would do.

And, for the record, I think I’m making huge strides in the forgiveness department. But, that doesn’t mean I need to allow these toxic people into my life any longer. I’ve been trying to run away from them since I was in grade school. I finally succeeded. But, it’s an adjustment.

And, honestly, I feel like I’ve had a really good year, oddly enough. The good has just been punctuated with some very stressful things that i had to vent out. I’ve been a lot of places, I’ve gotten to do a lot of things. I’ve made some new friends.I’ve found out which old friends I can count on.  I’ve really enjoyed the last 6 months of not having to deal with my parents. I’ve been decluttering my house. The boys are becoming so much more responsible, independent, helpful and  mature. I have a dog I love. Brad and I are great, I don’t think I’ve ever felt loved like this before, even with him. We found a church we like a lot. Like I said, we’ve been on a lot of trips.

But, I might spend January sleeping.

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I finally had the follow up appointment with the neurologist. I had myself all worked up before hand, to the point of tears. They sent me information about medication. All the meds were injections. I don’t do real well with needles. When I was in the hospital I kept a blanket over the IV site. I don’t know that I can give myself a daily injection.

Plus, honestly, I was a bit pissed about the whole thing. You know one of my main reasons for losing weight? I didn’t want diabetes and to have to give myself shots! And now, I might have to?

I was reading so many stories about people who were spending $500+ a month on medication. We don’t happen to have a spare $500 a month lying around.

So, the options seemed to be, give myself a shot every day and make us bankrupt, or do nothing and end up in a wheelchair.

I went to my appointment. Can I just say I love this doctor. He said I was doing much better with balance. We sat down to talk about meds. He asked if I was leaning toward anything. I said “Well, I hate needles, so, the one with the fewest shots is the one I’m leaning toward.” He said “Ok, what about pills?” PILLS?!?!?! I said I didn’t get any info about that. He thought for a bit and said “Oh that’s right, your case is pretty severe and the injections tend to be a stronger dose of meds, that’s why I sent you that info. But, you can try pills first and see how those work for you, we can try something else later.” And then he sat down and wrote out the names of all the pills, what they did, what this meant for me (some require follow ups for awhile), the pros and cons,etc. Answered any questions. Brought up price, didn’t tell me the price, just that many of them had help to pay for them because they are very expensive.

Then, he started telling me about a brand new drug…just was approved last month. His office was one running trials. 22 of his patients have been on this since 2003. And, not one relapse. And, only one patient is on any other drug to control symptoms. He said he never even hears from the others about problems. The first dose is IV, 5 day hospital stay, monitored every month. Year 2 is a 3 day hospital stay, monitored every month. After this, you are still monitored every month for 4 yrs total. And, that’s it. Forever, hopefully. With the other drugs, a couple relapses a year is normal. They don’t stop the symptoms, just the progression (or slow it down).

I was pretty excited about this. I asked who was a good candidate for that one. He said “You. You are the perfect person. They are only using it on severe cases, and yours was pretty bad. The FDA though doesn’t want it to be the first course of action, because there are some pretty nasty possible side effects, but that is why we watch you so closely. They want you to try and fail at one or two other meds first.” I said “Well, then I guess I better pick something to start failing while I do my research on this other drug.”

The course of treatment is $160,000…so, see, plenty of time to fail at all the other drugs while we try to convince insurance to cover this. Unfortunately, that most likely means a couple relapses, because the lesions aren’t just in my brain, they are in my neck and all down my spine.

I came home in a much better mood than I left in. I started some research, I thinkI decided on what meds I’ll start out on. But, again, price is a concern. Brad started looking up the info…and it’s our regular copay. Thank God.

So, my options are (worst case scenario here)

injections with a side effect of suicide, but they work well while you are alive.

Pills that don’t work as well and make you look worse (acne, flakey skin, hair loss, weight gain)

An IV treatment that will either make the MS stop or kill me.

Or nothing, and hope for the best, with the side effects of paralysis and/or feeding tube.

More research is needed.

Who Saved Who?

IMG_9996

I love this photo.

We got Trixie on November 1. On November 9, I was in the hospital, diagnosed with MS and no idea I’d be in the hospital for 5 days.

That first week, I was happy we had her. And, considering there is a decent portion of the year, I am the only person in the house, we wanted to teach her she was my dog. That first week, I was the only person to walk her, feed her, let her out of her crate, etc. The next week I was in the hospital, and she, apparently, was miserable. Both Brad and Mike tried to take care of her. She didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to go on walks. She would fight them on walking, on putting the harness on. When I came home, it was another week before she would get more than a foot or so away from me. The first thing I did was walk her. I was using a cane, and it was painfully slow. Brad stayed with me, moving at a snail’s pace. Ready to help me if she started pulling. And, she didn’t. She waited until I felt better to start pulling. We’d walk 1/4 mile twice a day. The next week it was a 1/2 mile. Then 3/4 of a mile. Then a mile. Today we walked 2.08 miles for our first walk. Our second walk will probably be a mile or so.

I admit to dragging my feet about getting a dog. Actually, I originally told Brad no way, ever. I told the kids no. I made fun of Brad for dressing up his old dog, and treating her like people. And, those words have come back to bite me, as I make her better food than some people eat. And, when I am trying to find her a coat to wear on our walks. (It gets cold here! And, she has short fur and shivers!) But, the kids wore me down, and I realized the reasons for my no were no longer valid. She picked us, and her name. Brad had said no pit bulls. You can see how well that worked out.

I was walking her today (it was spitting rain off and on, and about 33 degrees out.). And, I was just so thankful we had her. 1. We got her from a shelter, so, that saved her, and freed up a spot for another dog. 2. I was already walking 3-5 miles a day, before the MS thing, now I have a walking buddy. 3.She gets me up and moving in the morning, whether I like it or not. I don’t get to skip a walk because I don’t feel like it, unless I want a bored pit bull trying to entertain herself in the house all day. 4. Apparently vitamin D is good for helping fight the symptoms of MS. You get vitamin D from sunlight. And, I get sunlight on the walks, that she takes slower than I used to, because she has to smell everything. 5. We don’t have to throw out leftovers anymore. 6. Brad used to have a handgun. I’m not against guns exactly, but I don’t like them. And, I didn’t like them with so many little boys here all the time. He said we needed it for protection. But, refused to even learn how to unlock the trigger. He sold it to his dad. And, I feel so much safer with Trixie here, as a deterrent than I ever did with a gun here that nobody would know about until they were already in. And, somehow I doubt she can be turned against me as easily as a gun could.

The day before i went to the hospital, I was barely moving. I was sleeping on the sofa. I guess she sat by my side the whole day, either standing guard while I slept, or laying there. She loves to lick, but never did until I woke up. Yesterday I had overdone it at the gym, and I needed a nap. I went to lay down, she came and sat by the bed until I fell asleep. Then she jumped up and curled up behind my legs, watching everything going on.

Brad had told the boys they had to save up for her adoption fee. $40 each. I talked to him, and we told them $20 each, and I’d pay the other $40, and we’d get a dog sooner. I’m glad we did it that way, before someone else got her. And, before she’d been there too long and started to get mean, which was the case with the lab I originally went up to look at. Trixie had already been there for 8 months. They didn’t want to give her to me, because the town I live in has a zero tolerance policy for pit bulls. She makes one mistake and she’s gone. I had to reassure them, she was a pet. She would be a house dog. She wouldn’t be tied out, without supervision. We didn’t even have a fence, so there was no chance of letting her out by herself and her escaping.

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