I had a big long post…to justify how I was feeling. But, honestly, it is irrelevant. Today I am sad. And I am lonely.I have a million reasons, things I can whine about, but my feelings are valid. Long story short, I have a huge family/extended family, and I’m invisible.
I’m pretty much used to it. Today, I took the kids ice skating when a man stood up as we were leaving. He said “You were here a couple weeks ago. I’m Dan.” And, shook my hand. And, I almost cried walking to the car…so often I feel invisible. Like, seriously, I could build a little house in the woods in the middle of no where, and never have another phone or computer, and no one would notice. I know I’m pretty generic looking, I look like someone you already know. So, the fact I was noticed, when I was feeling like a ghost, was really nice.
I’m not good at making friends, plus I’d been told for 25+ yrs I’d always have my huge family. So, I never tried very hard. But now, lines have been drawn and my side has me, Brad, the boys, my best friend and the dog. They have everyone else.
How do you make friends when people drain you? When being drained and exhausted make the disease worse? When this stupid disease has made me sound like an idiot most of the time, you know, when I can’t remember big, complicated words like “garage” or “coffee” so I stammer and stutter and point and say things like “the room with the car?”. When I don’t like to go anywhere, because I might fall down without any warning.
Can I just wear a big sign that says “I’m not drunk, I promise. And yeah, I’m pretty awkward, but I’m mostly nice. I won’t talk to you first, because I don’t want to bother or annoy anyone.”
God, I sound lame.