Too many thoughts, too little time.


I stepped on the scale this morning. 198.6.

The last time I weighed that I was 18 and had just had a baby. I steadily gained for the next 5 years or so. Getting to about 275.  I kicked out my ex and lost about 25 pounds pretty easily. But, without working on it, my body seems pretty content to stay at 250. When I met Brad I was 225 or so, I was working out a lot at the time, eating like crap though.

Then, we settled into that new relationship rut. You know, where you want to sit on the sofa and stare at each other. Of course I didn’t go to the gym, what if I missed time with him? Because I hadn’t changed my eating habits, the Mountain Dew and the milk shakes quickly caught back up, and I was 250 at our wedding. I was really unhappy with that. So, I started over. Made little progress over the next 8 months.

I got my fitbit for our first anniversary, and then I really started trying. The first year was great, I lost a lot, quickly. The second year, I felt like it was 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I felt like I wasn’t losing any weight. I was, but it was the same 5 pounds over and over. But, i decided if I had to work THAT hard to not gain 5 pounds I sure couldn’t give up, otherwise I’d balloon up in no time. A broken foot, mouth surgery, and an MS diagnosis and I still tried to lose weight.

The MS thing scared me. And, it isn’t a weight related disease. But, I realized, I fall a lot, did I really want to be 300 pounds and flailing around in the parking lot because I’d fallen and couldn’t get back up? Did I want to sit on the scooter thing at the store on days I can’t walk and have people think “You wouldn’t be so fat if you just walked around the store”? Did I want my husband to need help when I needed picked up? No, to all of those.

So, I amped up my efforts in Jan.

I’ve lost 25 pounds since the beginning of the year. I now weigh less than my driver’s license says I do.

I’ve lost 52 pounds total, so far.

I’m the smallest I’ve ever been as an adult.

This is the smallest my husband or kids have ever seen me.

I bought clothes in the children’s department recently.

My husband picks me up and carries me around for fun.

I had to change my eating habits, because I can’t exercise every day. I try, but if I overdo it, I’ll pay for it.

Yesterday, I went out for lunch with my aunt, who is very overweight. She recently lost about 25 pounds as well, but, that still leaves her very heavy. We walked in to the restaurant, and she walked so slow. We ate, and eventually left. We walked up to pay, but there was a line, so, we just stood still for several minutes. Then we left, we walked from the register to the handicapped parking. When we sat down in the car, she was out of breath.

That made me really sad for her. She has struggled with her weight the whole time I’ve been alive. She’s had health problems because of it. As we drove back to my house, I realized, again, I have the same genetics. I’m not somebody who will every be “naturally” thin. I really am a string of bad choices and lazy days away from 350 pounds. And I’m short! It won’t take much for me to be bigger around than I am up and down! I thought losing 50 pounds was hard, I don’t want to have to face losing 250. I don’t want diabetes. I don’t want to walk that slowly (though, life is a bitch, because no matter how much weight I’ve lost, on bad days, guess what? I walk that slowly.)

So, I came home, and I threw my left overs in the trash, and made a healthy dinner. Though, I was proud of even having left overs.


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