Too many thoughts, too little time.

Archive for September, 2015

6 More Days

Next Tuesday we are moving to Atlanta. Well, that area. We’ll actually live in a small town outside of it. We should close on our house on the 25th. We’ll live with Aussie’s dad for the week between houses. We close on the Indiana house on the 18th.

I went to say bye to my parents. And, it was…unemotional. I really felt like I did when I saw my Zumba instructor at the mall yesterday. “Hey, I wanted to say bye! Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” My mom talked about her 3 new grandchildren quite a bit, and I didn’t think much about it.

I also went to see my brother, he and I get along pretty ok. His girlfriend just had a baby. That’s one of the new grandkids. And, I held the baby and we chatted. He hugged me as I left. But again, I didn’t feel anything.

As we drove home, I thought about it some more. I think I figured it out. I’ve never been their “sister”. I’ve been their babysitter.  When you have that many kids, you can’t have them all the same age and raise them together. It was made more apparent while I held my brother’s baby. I’m closer to my mother’s age than I am these new kids. My mom is only 18 yrs older than me. I’m 30 yrs older than my 3 new nephews and niece. I’m over 20 yrs older than some of my siblings. I think I’m 21 yrs older than my brother’s fiance. I have 3 siblings who all had babies over the last 8 months. And, those kids will grow up together and play together and stuff. My 12 yr old doesn’t care much about the newborns.

It was weird to just see/feel the disconnect.

Also, it’s been weird to see what I get emotional about. Saying good-bye to family? Whatever. When my best friend Ann called crying, to tell me she had to fill out the paperwork for her son for school this year, and they asked for an emergency contact and she realized she shouldn’t list me anymore. Then I cried too. She and I have been listing each other for years now, she’s single and her kids’ fathers aren’t involved at all. And for me and my kids, I don’t trust my family, my husband is out of state 75% of the time. When it comes to the kids, their father is out of state 75% of the time. So, we’ve always listed each other.

I think what I’m most sad about in regards to my family is letting go of the potential to have a family. I was raised that having a huge family was so great and we’d be so close, and always have someone around to help, etc. That’s not how it worked. We aren’t close. They all are. But, I’m “controversial”, and like “to stir up trouble”, and “cause problems” and I “refuse to let go of the past” I’m also “bitter” I also “I’m better than everyone”. Why? Because I don’t agree with them on religion or politics. Because I try to see things from all sides, and am willing to be wrong sometimes. Because I assume people are like me, and want to gain knowledge. I’m not telling you info because I think I’m better. I’m telling you because you didn’t state anything from this perspective, perhaps you hadn’t heard it. They are willing to tolerate me, as long as I am not me. As long as I become a silent shell, and nod a lot. That doesn’t make us a close family.

When I complained growing up, it was always met with “wait until you are older, you’ll appreciate it! You’ll always have help, there will always be somebody around.” I’m older. All but the 2 babies are adults now. 7 siblings who can drive. I have to pack up a 1200 sq ft home in one shot and move it 600+ miles away. Not ONE person has offered to help, not even a half-hearted “let me know if i can help”. Holding newborns and saying “look at me, helping!” is more fun than packing boxes in 95 degree temps with 90% humidity.  My sister went to the hospital last week, apparently she had heartburn. So, she had multiple people lined up to help when she got home so she could nap because she doesn’t feel well.

Brad has been double over in pain, almost crying, barely eating, since Friday because a tooth he broke long ago has finally decided to let him know he really needs to get it fixed, and over the holiday weekend he couldn’t do anything. So, I left him at the dentist, waiting to get squeezed in at some point today so they can pull his tooth. I’m having a flare up, with means, I work like crazy for 3 hours, then can barely move for 3 more.

But, we’ll get it done. it will be ok. Plus, I like the narrative of Brad and I against the world.  In 10 yrs, we’ll talk about our move to GA and laugh about the comedy of errors and he’ll tell the story of my aggressive moving timeline and exaggerate it, I’ll have to remind him, it worked, didn’t it?

And, I will try to stop being sad, or wistful, about what should have been, what could have been.

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