Too many thoughts, too little time.

Posts tagged ‘death’


This whole thing in Connecticut has me shaken. More than I understand. My prayers go out to the families, I can not even imagine the pain and heartbreak they are going through right now. To see presents sitting under the Christmas tree, with the names of babies who won’t be coming home…

I have kids that age. Why would someone do that? How could someone do that?

My friends on Facebook are already arguing for and against more gun control. You know, the funny thing is, a few years ago, most the time growing up, I would have been joining in the chorus of “if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.” And today, I am not sure anymore. I am still sorting out what I believe. Because, I just don’t know.

Brad has a gun, and he was raised in a country where guns are illegal, mostly. He is pro guns, for less regulation, pro 2nd Amendment. He actually wants an assault rifle. Not because he is a crazy person, but because he is a mostly logical one, and he is fascinated with how they work, the machinery and the mechanisms. He has been after me to learn to shoot his hand gun, that he would like to buy me one. I won’t do it, I won’t let him. I have an ex who scares me, and PTSD as well, I don’t know how I would handle it if he scared me again, if I overreacted. And, because I know me, I know I don’t want a gun. Brad said something about if you wanted to own a more powerful gun, they were expensive, and blah, blah, blah…setting up an LLC and putting it in the “companies” name, and he and I would be joint owners. I told him no. If he wants one, he is a big boy and he can have one. But, I want nothing to do with it. He said if he died, it would be easier for me to sell the gun if I owned it as well. I told him if he died, I’d call the police to come get it, and I’d never touch it.

I understand we have a right to own guns. Ok, fine…I get that people want to hunt, or have them for safety, again. Fine, I don’t think badly of anyone who owns a gun. I think most of the people are responsible. But, the more high powered stuff…why? And, even if you are careful, and responsible…what if it is stolen? What then? Now a bad guy has a gun that can mow down dozens of people, without a chance to run.

I love some of the arguments and statements against gun control though…”the government can take my guns from my cold dead hands” or “they can have them, bullets first”. Really?! Really?! You are going to still lose your guns, go to jail (if not killed) and leave your family grieving so you can keep your gun?

“We need it for protection from the government!” Really? That made sense the time of the 2nd Amendment. You all had the same fire power, mostly. Ok, now, you have a handgun, the government has a machine gun, you get a machine gun, the the government has an army of machine guns, and men. You get yourself a little army, with machine guns, and the government has a tank. Unless you have a few trillion dollars sitting around, they win.

“If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns” Ok, but, there won’t be as many. Where are they going to get them? Thugs and assholes, and evil psychopaths are not generally following the rules to get guns as it is. Actually, that isn’t true, generally evil psychopaths hide it well for awhile. So, they can easily follow the proper channels to get guns. Lots of times, they are stolen. Where are they stolen from? Law abiding citizens.

“Arm the teachers and you won’t have this problem!” Yes, because that is just the overhaul our school systems need, to be more like a prison, and we see how well we run our prisons.

One (failed) shoe bomber, and we all have to remove our shoes at the airport. How many dead this year? And, almost anybody can just go buy a gun. My ex husband, who tried to kill me twice, can legally go buy a gun. That is terrifying to me, because, if you met him, you’d probably like him at first. He seems like a normal guy who just had a lot of bad luck. And, for years, I never thought he could physically hurt me. He never did, never tried. And, twice, in one month, he just snapped. Just completely. He was sure what he was doing was reasonable. If you ask him, to this day, why he strangled me until I blacked out, left finger print bruises on my neck…he will, with a totally straight face say “she touched my phone.” But, he went to jail for a couple days, plea bargained, went to anger management, and now his conviction has been dropped from his record…and he can buy a gun.

So could this 20 yr old shooter who massacred a class of 5 year olds.  They weren’t “his” guns, but they were legal and registered, and there is no reason to think this madman couldn’t have bought them on his own as well. Obviously he grew up in a house of guns, had parents who were ok with them, I imagine knew gun safety. So, it was “safe” for him to have one.

How about instead of the millions and millions of dollars we use to argue for guns, we put it towards mental health services in this country, rather than just give people a handful of pills and send them on their way. Not knowing they are taking them, if they can afford them, if they are working, and what the side effects are? But, I suppose that is a post for another day.



I wish I could explain why this has impacted me so much. I tried to explain to Brad, but, my sentences were just jumbled fragments. It’s bringing back those terrified memories, where one minute everything was fine, and the next I was sure I would never see the boys again. I guess I’m writing as my own way of coping. Not only did it bring back those memories, but, it scared me, it scared me that no place is safe. That there really are people out there who will kill 20 babies. And, yes, if you can still carry your screaming child out of their school, they are your baby. I have a little boy, he’s 4’8″, I’m 5’4″, I was carrying him yesterday because he is sick, and had a high fever, he is a baby, and so many of the victims were younger. And, it reminded me, how easy it is to get your hands on a gun in this country, the hands either attached to someone who wants to protect people, or the hands of someone who cares only about them selves, and has no sense of right and wrong. I was reminded, that, all my ex has to go is go, legally guy himself a gun at a gun show, stick it in the back of his waistband, and next time he picks up the kids, I could be dead. Just because THAT day he snapped, and all that has went wrong in his life is my fault.

I know it seems selfish to worry about my own safety now, but the fact is,  I do. I can’t quit crying over this. I just needed to write.


Never Forget

I know this site will be flooded with posts about this today, but I’m adding mine anyway.

Today, for school, and history with the boys, I told them about what happened on this date eleven years ago. I couldn’t get through it without crying. Just every time I opened my mouth, I cried more. It’s amazing how something like this can move you. It’s been over a decade, I didn’t know anyone involved…and still, I’m crying.

You hear how everyone remembers where they were when the planes hit. I was in the shower. I was 16 and had just gotten home from running. I got in the shower, my mom burst through the door, and said “get out, now! We’re under attack!” I remember, very clearly, thinking “What the hell?” as I tried to rinse the soap out of my hair. She said a plane had hit the WTC. I know how to fly a plane, I know things go wrong, so, I said “well, it’s tragic but, attack?  How do you know it wasn’t an accident?” She was standing at the doorway…watching tv from there, and she screamed. And yelled “yes, I’m sure, the second one just hit!” I stood in her bedroom, mesmerized, crying, in nothing but a towel, soap still running out of my hair, for the next few hours. I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to miss anything, I was scared to miss anything. I didn’t get dressed until I saw the time lapsed images of the planes leaving the sky.

Even now, I get chills watching that video.

At the time, I wanted nothing more in life than to be a military fighter pilot. But, that day took quite a bit of wind out of my sails. If this happened again, I didn’t think I could shoot down Americans. I didn’t think I could kill 300 innocent people even if it meant saving 3,000. People going to work, families on vacation…and if this sort of thing happened again, the fighter pilots are supposed to take them down. And now, thinking about it…my husband is on a plane 4+ times a week. My kids are on a plane quite often. I know I couldn’t do it now. At 16, I thought maybe I could. Now I know I couldn’t.

It’s amazing how much can change in just a few minutes. The WTC buildings left the skyline, almost 3,000 people died in moments. Hundreds of men and women who went to work for a routine day that day were honored in funerals days and weeks later as heroes. In just moments the kiss goodbye at the gate was lost and traded for a drop off at the door and dozens of instances of procedures put into place to make us feel safer, but don’t do much. And, yes, every time I step onto a plane, I think about the fact a downed radio system may get me killed by our own military, but luckily, everyone now knows my 7 yr old doesn’t have a bomb in his work boots. A few moments completely changed travel for Americans. It made terrorism a word in the everyday language, and allowed parts of the Constitution to be practically thrown away. It was a horrible, sad, and scary day, that did exactly as intended. It sparked terror in the lives of almost everyone in the United States, and even other parts of the world…and has for the last decade.

Brad asked me today when I thought 9/11 would be declared a national holiday. Honestly, I don’t think it ever will be. Pearl Harbor was about the same scope. Americans attacked on their own soil. Thousands dead. Completely unsuspecting. A national tragedy that brought the country together. And, it’s faded or fading from people’s memory. 2 yrs ago, at the college, they had a moment of silence on December 7. When it was over, a group standing next to me asked what it was for. Another time,  on September 11, the professor asked where everyone was on Sept 11. A lot of people, my age and older remembered, things like “at work” or “at school” or “the dr with my son who just broke his arm”. Then, they asked a younger kid. He said he had no idea. He was only 6 or so when it happened. He remembered his parents very upset, but he couldn’t understand why. Even at 17. They didn’t know anybody there. It sucked, but he didn’t understand the people still crying.

It occurred to me, this is just history. To my kids, it won’t hold much more significance than Pearl Harbor, that won’t hold any more significance than the Civil War or the War of 1812. Yup…that sucked. What date again? I need to know it for the test! They will never understand getting goosebumps as you walk past that crater in the ground. They don’t know they are missing anything by not being allowed to watch daddy’s plane take off. It doesn’t seem odd to them that they aren’t allowed out of the car in the one spot at the airport, by the fence, where you can watch the flights.

I don’t know that my long rambling post really has a point. I’m just talking, trying to express myself, away from the kids, who got upset, because they couldn’t understand why mommy was crying. Mommy was crying for everything that was lost that day. Things that they never even knew existed.

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