Too many thoughts, too little time.

Posts tagged ‘jerks’

Not What We Expected

I have taken a long, obstacle strewn, tiring course path to Christianity. I’ve shunned God, fought him, ignored him, questioned everything.

And at some point, I met a guy, one who claimed to be Christian, but seemed to pick and choose what to follow. And one day, I confessed to that man what I felt was my biggest sin, my biggest failure yet, and that man held me while I cried, and told me it was ok. He told me that while he didn’t agree with my choices, he wouldn’t throw the first stone. And, finally…I got it. It clicked. That was the turning point for me. I believe in God, I love trying to be the kind of person I think God wants me to be…Christianity and religion though, I’m still struggling with. And, I think that’s ok. We were not commanded to be religious.

We grew up some more, and I married that man. Who has continued to show true love to me, through my mistakes and missteps. And, it makes it a lot easier to forgive him too. But, Brad had been spoon-fed religion from a very young age. I am cautious here because I don’t want to sound like I’m insulting him, I’m not trying to, and I think he understands that. But, he never seemed to mature into his own spirituality. I have always questioned everything, Brad questioned nothing. When I went to church with him, I kept asking why, and he didn’t know, but, he knew he was told to believe this and that was good enough for him. I asked why he never questioned, and he basically never thought about it. When you grow up in a bubble, how do you know there is anything to question? It reminds me a bit of The Truman Show. All these odd things going on, but, they are normal to him.

He can quote you a lot of verses. But, his being fed in church and by his mother what to think resulted in a very different interpretation than I got while I screamed at God for answers and read portions of the Bible while muttering “This is a bunch of stupid, bull crap, don’t even understand the point.” (And yes, Brad will tell you I’m the only person he’s ever known to cuss during a prayer. I am horribly irreverent.) And eventually, those different interpretations became conversations. I could counter anything he said. I never cared much about changing his mind, I just wanted to know his mind. Not the party line. Talk after talk and Brad learned, he didn’t know what he believed. He believed in God, but outside of that…

So, this past year, I feel like I’ve found my feet a bit better. I have tried not to worry about every little thing I am “supposed” to be doing, and instead, focused on the two things Jesus said, Love God, love others. If I’m doing those things, then I think I’m doing alright. While I was finding how to live what I believed, Brad has been learning to figure out what he believes. He grew up in a very legalistic church, and his parents were even more so than the church. There is a lot of room for grace in my life, but, his only had room for rules and regulations. You had to be perfect, but only the SDA’s version of perfect. It’s leading to a lot of interesting discussions, because, Brad learned God was a God of fire and brimstone, who was looking for reasons to cast people into Hell, that good wasn’t good enough. And, I found a friend, and those versions clash pretty regularly.

Anyway, Brad has slowly started to see some merit in my beliefs, and sometimes, I think even if he doesn’t agree with me he can’t see a reason not to, so he goes along with it just to see how it works out. And, we’ve caught some flak for it. I can think of many times the people who are “better” Christians than we are have either outright attacked my beliefs or have spoken incredibly harsh words, not knowing, I was the person they hated so much. Brad was raised to believe everything he is now, everything he does now, is a sin. That he is a bad person for watching football or playing video games, or wearing jeans on the rare occasion we go to church, or enjoying a nice steak after a hard day’s work. It is all going to count against him when he dies. When we’ve tried to share our views, we are shot down immediately.

Yesterday, my husband said something I found incredibly profound

I grew up knowing the verse that as a Christian there would be misunderstanding and ‘persecution’ for my beliefs. I was always taught that it would come from ‘those people’ in the ‘world’. I didn’t realize that as I tried to align my life more with what God said, rather than what people interpreted Him to say, that more of the persecution would actually come from other Christians.

And, yes, that is exactly what he said, I know because he texted it to me rather than said it.

Don’t get me wrong, neither of us consider the rude comments and judgmental attitudes to be “persecution” but, it’s interesting that the worst response we’ve gotten has been from Christians. Both of us have a different best friend, both best friends are atheists, and we’ve actually never offended them. Talked, debated? Sure, but nobody has ever gotten angry.

So, I got a book for Christmas, called Sacrilege by Hugh Halter. I read 3/4 of it the day I got it, then put it down. Yesterday morning, Brad made the comment to me, about the persecution coming from other Christians. I was waiting for my computer to charge last evening, and picked up my book again. Chapter 11 began with Matthew 5:10-12.

Blesses are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blesses are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted you they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I think anyone raised in the church has heard this before. So, I continued reading, without giving it much thought. Until the second page of chapter 11, where the author begins to talk about how all Christians know this verse, and they use it to pat themselves on the back when anyone doesn’t like them. They shout “You’re going to hell, Sinner” and when the object of their words doesn’t invite them to dinner or doesn’t immediately drop everything to head to church with the Christian, then this is proof positive they are doing it right. When you tell one of the “Jerks for Jesus” how you really feel about them, that’s how they know they are building “treasure in heaven”.  And, then, the author goes on to ask, who did most of the judging and persecuting of Jesus? The religious leaders, the other religious people. They hated him. He didn’t follow all the rules they had set up, and he was hated for it.

I had never heard this viewpoint before, that it was the “good” Christians who would do the persecuting, and now, I hear it twice in the same day. I am not hated for my beliefs, but my beliefs are hated. I am actually generally liked. I guess, for now, I am choosing to believe I am on the right path. Non-Christians like me just fine. And, I guess that’s a good thing, I’ll hang out with the tax collectors and prostitutes. They don’t seem to be real upset. If I’m wrong, I’m not hearing anything from the Christians I haven’t heard a million times before. If I’m right, than maybe I’ll do some good.

And, I can’t help but think of all this, and remember…that I was the unbeliever, who saw God in the actions of a man who was doing it all “wrong”. Maybe it was all wrong. He loved me, unconditionally, and that was what I needed. And, I’ll do that for others…even though I cuss too much, and sometimes show to much cleavage, and am just quite a bit less than perfect.

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Be Careful Who You Hate

be_careful_who_you_hate_rectangle_sticker

 

I saw this bumper sticker on a car on the way to Detroit last weekend. You can get it here.

It really hit home for me, because it applies to far more than just homosexuals.

We joke all the time that we are in big trouble when our neighbor realizes how much she hates me. She really does, she is quite gossipy, and talks a lot, about everyone. I keep my mouth shut, but sometimes I just want to be like “yeah, I’m a liberal, who celebrates Halloween, doesn’t go to church, cusses, and wore bright white for my 2nd wedding.” All things she’s been vocal about how much she hates.

If anyone in my family knew the real me, they’d hate me. Because they’ve made it very clear they hate everyone like me.

If Aussie’s mother actually knew us, she’d hate us. Because she hates everyone like us.

If someone grows up their whole life hearing how gay people are perverted, and sinners and going to hell, do you really think they will tell you they are later?

If someone hears their whole life how abortion is murder and how any woman who has an abortion should be killed, or at the very least sewn shut so she can’t ever enjoy sex again, do you really think she’ll tell anyone she had an abortion?

If someone hears their whole life how America is the best country ever and if you don’t like it, you should just leave it, permanently, do you think they are going to volunteer that they actually think America is the world’s bully?

If someone hears their whole life about how God is real and you must never, ever question it or you go to hell, do you think they are going to go to those people with questions?

And, guess what, those horrible things that have been said? Those judgmental attitudes? They don’t actually stop the acts or the thoughts, they just make the “bad” person keep it to themselves and suffer alone.

Now, excuse me, I think I need to buy a bumper sticker.

Such A Stressful Week

Where do I even begin?

Last week, my brother woke up to find his wife, her 3 kids, their furniture, and all their food was gone. She is leaving him because he doesn’t clean or help the kids with their homework. Ok, I’m not saying my brother is perfect, but, what do you expect when you, a 30 yr old mother of 3, marries a 19 yr old? I mean, really? He’ll grow up.

The wife talked to my aunt and it turned into this big bash Punkie thing, because I got a divorce and nobody cared, but, now she wants one and everyone is saying she shouldn’t. And, apparently the wife said “And, I know all about Punkie.”

Now, I was told about this. I assumed she meant (from other parts of the conversation) that she knew that after I caught my husband cheating, I didn’t leave, but, I quite openly had a boyfriend. Well, while i’m not proud of it, I don’t care that anybody knows, I never hid it. Maybe if I can’t be a good influence, I can at least be an example of what not to do.

My mother assumed she meant that my dad is not my biological dad. So, she calls me in a panic to tell me that now people might find out. I told her I couldn’t care less. I never understood why it was a secret anyway. Well, apparently my parents talked and decided to tell my siblings about this. And, tell all of us that my dad was married before.

Ok, I’ve always known my dad wasn’t my biological father. And, when they told me my dad had been married before I basically said “Yeah, no shit.” I’ve put together pieces over the years. That was my entire reaction.

The sister I don’t like has been throwing a huge tantrum about this, and how she is so ashamed and embarrassed, then she demanded to know my biological father’s name. No, just, no. It is none of her damn business. I’ve never even asked. Then, I have one sister my parents haven’t told yet, and the evil sister demanded to be there when the other sister was told “for moral support”. Ummm…I’ was told when I was 4 with no support at all and been fine for 20+ years. This sister just wants her nose in everyone else’s business. She doesn’t even like me, so, she can stop acting like this ruined some bond or something. Then, she got my other brother all worked up as well.

So, she has turned my brother’s divorce and my birth into being all about her.

And, that is what I am not handling well. Not at all. I feel, like, my privacy has been invaded. Like I am some how “less than”. I feel bad for my parents and her reaction. I am mad that all I hear about is how she is handling it, no one has asked how I am doing. I don’t know if this changes anything for any of them, and so, now I just wait, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t know what the right thing to do here is.

It’s bringing up huge abandonment issues that I have. My biological father disappeared after my mom told him about me.

My adopted father was abusive for years.

My ex husband left me and the kids, because I asked him to take out the trash.

Noah’s dad left as soon as I told him I was pregnant.

I have a long string of ex-boyfriends.

I’m not handling this well. I was happy burying the issue for decades.

Then, my ex calls me to ask why I let the kids be such brats. They are sarcastic, and he threatens to punish them, but, his punishments are too harsh. And you know, he can fucking suck it up for the SEVEN DAYS he has had them this year.

And, an innocent question led to the discussion of future children for Husband and I, I’ve always told him I was done, but, if he wanted more, then we’d discuss it, and I could probably be persuaded. well, he made a comment, that made me say “Never mind, that option is off the table.” which led to lots of tears for both of us.

Then, evil sister called my husband just not to tell him my dad might be having a stroke or a heart attack. And, of course evil sister is there at the hospital, because, where else would she be except in everybody else’s business? She didn’t even call me, she called my husband and had him tell me. (I left, dad is fine, they aren’t sure what happened.)

My brother’s divorce is freaking me out as well, just a reminder that it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, if my husband wants to leave, he just can. And, there is nothing I can do about it.

And, to top it all off, I’m 4 weeks away from graduating. School is getting more difficult, I’m taking 5 classes. This week, I have 3 papers due, 22 discussion board posts, 4 quizzes and one test. That’s for ONE WEEK.

The damn scale still isn’t moving. I did have to buy new underwear today, so, I guess that is progress, and, I ran a mile for the first time ever. But, the scale still says “fat”.

And, I think I am PMSing.

The good news is, in the past, I would have spent a lot of time drunk last week. Now, I ran. So…progress.

I can’t even explain how I am feeling. Can you be numb and stressed at the same time? I’m having a hard time even crying. I’m looking for a fight, but, I don’t trust anyone enough to fight with them except the husband, and he doesn’t ever fight. He kept telling me I could cry this weekend, and, I just couldn’t. Not really, I kept saying “i’m fine”, and, well, I’m not.

 

 

You Must Choose a Side, and Everyone Else is Evil

Of course!

I am about done with facebook.

Or maybe I will just go on some big unfriending spree.

And, no, no one has done anything personally offensive to me, but, jeesh, the way people talk to each other. I have quite a few liberal friends, who post political stuff. Which is fine, I don’t mind seeing it. I may not agree with all of it, but, everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. I have a lot of conservative friends, who post a lot of political stuff. I feel the same way about it.

What bothers me is the people who post garbage for the Lord. What bothers me is the gross generalizations made. A woman recently posted a quote from Roseanne Barr, about how anyone who eats at Chik-FilA should get cancer. Ok. that is a horrible thing to say. So anyway, the “friend” who posted said “Oh of course, what else can you expect from a liberal?” Really? I consider myself to lean more towards liberal than conservative, I would never say that! A family member recently posted an email she received from another family member. Which opened up to a lot of comments, and it was about Chik-Fil-A, and how they were so in the right for their stance on gay marriage. Another person replied “So, I am supposed to let God condemn these people to hell for not believing in him? Sorry for caring about your souls people!”

Right, I must have missed the part where all good Christians followed the Bible to a T, and didn’t have any private issues they were dealing with. I think people are much more likely to care about you worrying about their souls, when you worry about them first. I think they might be more likely to listen to you, if you worried more about how they felt, rather than what they did with their genitals. You know, if I honestly told people the whole story behind mine and Aussie’s relationship, they would probably be shocked, and upset. But, we got to get married so, we’re good people now.  Really?

Speaking of our relationship and generalizations, I’m a member of another board, and a few people have mentioned situations like ours, and they are quickly shot down with criticisms. With name calling. With being told how there is no way in hell it will ever work out. Meanwhile, I post something and I am told a hundred times how adorable we are, how I found a good man, how we’re a great couple. Oddly enough, if someone were to post “I met this great guy at a church get together, and he joined my family and I for a picnic. He asked me out, we’ve seen each other several times now, he is really sweet.” This would be the story that gets “awww, that’s amazing, sounds great!” It is also the beginning if the story to my first marriage, and that ended horribly.

Stop making assumptions people!*

All Conservatives are not people who think God allows dead soldiers because of America’s stance on gays.

All liberals are not trying to steal your money to give to lazy people.

All “good guys” aren’t going to give you happily ever after.

All guys who just want a f**k buddy aren’t married liars who will give you aids.

All people who homeschool are not anti-social nuts.

All people who go to public school do not leave uneducated.

All “traditional” families aren’t looking down on others.

All “different” families aren’t trying to destroy yours.

All wives who are ok with their husbands being in charge aren’t abused.

All feminists don’t hate men.

All gay people aren’t trying to convert you.

All men aren’t child molesters.

All poor people are not lazy and stupid.

All rich people aren’t greedy and mean.

All Christians aren’t kind.

All Atheists are not immoral.

All foreigners aren’t here illegally.

All natural born Americans aren’t gun toting, flag waving, NASCAR fans.

All fat people aren’t sitting on the couch all day eating Twinkies while watching soap operas.

All skinny people don’t need a hamburger.

Just stop with the assumptions and the generalizations. You might learn something.

*Please do not mistake any of my generalizations for things I believe. I don’t, but, I have heard ALL these things.

I am a gold digger and a 5 letter word that rhymes with stitch.

Wait, you mean this isn’t how it works?

I just thought you should know…according to a guy I haven’t spoken to in years, and before that, I only spoke with online long enough to know I don’t want to go out sometime.

It’s apparently a two post day.

I logged on to check my e-mail this morning, and an IM popped up. It was someone I had met on a dating site years ago, and, I hadn’t blocked him, though I also hadn’t started the conversation. I never do. He asked how I was, and I said I was great, planning my wedding. My usual response to the guys I met that way. It’s a not so subtle way to let them know I’m not open to being hit on or anything. It usually works well. If they can be polite, I chat. If they want to be jerks or disrespect my relationship, they get blocked.

So, the guy says “cool, have your prenup all ready?”

I said “lol, no, I have nothing, and if we divorce and he wants the blender, he can have it.”

The guy then says “then he’s an idiot for not having one. Marriage is a trap for men, you’ll leave for some imagined slight and take him for everything he’s got, and still demand child support.”

I said “well, you know, he has my history to go with. In my last divorce, I wanted my kids, my clothes and my car.”

He replied back with “oh, YOUR kids. I bet he has to pay you child support too. That should be done away with, it isn’t for the kids, it is for the mom.”

I said “yes, well, I was living large on that $10/week I got. While I paid $60 for soccer, which he comes to, but doesn’t help pay for.”

He said “So, now I suppose you’ll just have him arrested while still demanding child support and alimony”

I said “I wish I could have him arrested, but $10 for two kids ‘shows he is trying’ and this state doesn’t do alimony.”

So, this guy continued on and on and on…laws favor women, any man who  get married is a fool, I’m completely wrong about divorce laws (you know, the person studying law, and just got a divorce probably knows less than the mechanic who’s never been married, right?) That he hopes for this guys sake I don’t go after him for CS when we get divorced, and we will because obviously I am a gold digging, unreasonable, bitch.

I told him, he can relax about Aussie, because we won’t be having kids together, if he wants to go, he is free to never have anything to do with me again.

So…here we go…

Most states are going to 50/50 custody, no matter what.

Most states have or are doing away with alimony.

People don’t get arrested for not paying child support, they get a slap on the wrist and told to do better.

Mothers are held to a higher standard then fathers. I had CPS called on me, BY MY EX, because my kids shared a room. Meanwhile, ELEVEN people were living in his one bedroom apartment, and as long as the kids weren’t in danger, it was no big deal.

This man tried to run me over, while I held my sons hand, and he still gets visitation. He strangled me until I blacked out, and because he took anger management classes, he still gets to see the kids.

He comes to the soccer games, that I paid for the kids to play. He lost their cleats during visitation, which I had to replace, then HE sold the “lost” ones in a garage sale. He doesn’t feed them before I pick them up, no matter what time that is, but, demands I feed them before he picks them up, because otherwise, there is  no time and they will be hungry. But, he tried to take custody from me, on the basis of I don’t feed them enough hamburger.

We agreed I’d be a stay at home mom, and when he left, I was shit out of luck.

He let a woman, who had just gotten out of jail for battery of a child under 14, babysit, and I couldn’t say a damn thing about it. It was his time with them.

He wrecked his motorcycle 3 times last summer and still took our son on rides, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m glad the law favors me though.

This is the guy who gave me sole custody, so he could pay less in child support. That is how important the kids are to him. But, I’m the gold digger who wants them more, which will cost more money, but took less money for the privilege.

And then, this dumbass tells me, I am the idiot who wanted kids with the loser, I have no one to blame but myself and I deserve it for all my bad choices. (He got blocked, then started in from other e-mail addresses). You know…funny thing…I know. I know I made bad choices. I know I didn’t listen to myself when I should have. I wanted to call off the wedding, I told him that…two weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and our parents began putting tons of pressure on to get married. I told him to leave us, and he wouldn’t. I was an 18 yr old, who always had to do what my parents said, who had absolutely no life experience, who was scared and really did think it would be best for the baby, though I wasn’t too happy about it. But, I’m not a romantic person, I don’t believe in “the one” and I think it’s possible to have several soul mates (though I knew he wasn’t mine) so, I naively thought, as long as we both tried, we could make it work, and I married him anyway. The thing was, he used to be a really nice guy. I didn’t marry an asshole, I didn’t marry a wife beater, I didn’t marry a cheater. I married a guy who hadn’t grown up yet, and I take responsibility for that. I will take responsibility for having kids as well, but, that is it. It isn’t my fault who he turned in to, it isn’t my fault how he chose to handle it, it isn’t my fault he hasn’t chosen to grow up yet. It isn’t my fault he cheated, and it isn’t my fault he got abusive, and it isn’t my fault he won’t take care of the kids or be reasonable…right?

And you know what, that does scare me…I already married one nice guy and look where that got me. What if Brad changes? Is it my fault then too? I’m older now…I know more…I don’t think I’d put up with as much, but, that hasn’t been tested yet.We’re responsible grown ups…but…what if he changes his mind? Joe never gave me a reason…so, how can I stop it from happening again? I know…like I said, we’re older now, we’ve moved slowly, at two and a half yrs in with Joe we were married and expecting our second baby. Aussie and I aren’t even technically engaged yet, so, I hope that by taking more time to make sure he was right for me that will help, but I know it is no guarantee.

You know what…I think marriage is serious, if there is no abuse or infidelity, to damn bad, you made a promise, you signed a contract…fix whatever need fixed.

I think, if you cheat, you should lose rights. You are showing out right, you are not concerned about what is best for your kids. I think custody hearings should consider whose fault it is the marriage is over.

I think no fault divorce is a pile of shit.  If you can PROVE your spouse cheated, if you can prove he took vacation time to screw somebody else rather than spend time with his family, if you can prove she used the grocery money on a hotel room for her and her boss, then that should play into divorce, into custody, into spousal support. Why should anyone take marriage seriously anymore, there is no consequence for being a lying asshole? The “winner” is not the moral one, is not the one who tried to keep their family together, it is the person with a better lawyer.

Families are just as broken as our legal system, but nobody wants to fix it. It’s too hard, it’s no fun, what if it backfires? It’s too complicated…maybe the medical community should come up with a pill for it.

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