Too many thoughts, too little time.

Posts tagged ‘weight’

Weighty Topics

health food

 

I am currently down 22 pounds from when I got married, about 15 months ago.

A huge majority of that has been lost over the last 3 months.

You know, when I started dating Aussie, I wouldn’t let him know how much I weighed. In fact, I wouldn’t tell him until maybe a year ago. Somewhere in my head, I had decided that if he knew how much I weighed, he’d think I was fat and not be interested anymore.

We went on a road trip yesterday, and were able to talk a lot. It’s one of the reasons I love road trips with him. I read an article about how “thigh gap” is the coveted thing among teen age girls. And, how so many are not able to attain it, no matter how little they weigh. I told him, I wished I could tell all teenagers, and many adults, it takes all kinds of kinds. Whatever you look like? Odds are good there is someone out there who is attracted to that. Aussie was talking about how guys don’t feel as much pressure to be thin, they don’t keep their weight a secret, but, there is pressure to find the right body type girl. If you don’t, then there must be something wrong with you. If a guy likes a chubby girl, or if that is his type, he is ridiculed. He might date her anyway,but, makes sure to tell his friends that you know, she’s really great. Except for maybe that weight thing. I thought it was interesting. Luckily for us, we met in our late twenties and a bit of the pressure was off. He was free to date a chubby chick, I was free to date a computer geek and we are happy and our friends are happy for us.

I wish weight was not such a taboo subject. I was asked once when the baby was due. i wasn’t pregnant. I remember crying and wanting Aussie to tell me he liked me, fat and all. And, he could not do it. Because you are not allowed to ever acknowledge someone is fat. He basically kept saying I had a great personality and was beautiful, so he loved me. Like, fat girls can’t be beautiful? And, it used to drive me insane when he’d argue with me when I said I was fat/needed to lose weight. I would think to myself “I want to zip line with our son. I am too fat to do so, therefor, I need to lose weight.” and he’d insist I didn’t. We talked about that yesterday, he said that of course he said that, that is what boys are supposed to say. If you say anything else, the woman will be hurt and upset, and either starve herself or become suicidal, so, you never say that. All girls are beautiful and thin. Both of those “issues” with us have long since been resolved. He doesn’t go around going “wow, you look super fat today baby.” but, he doesn’t argue with me about it anymore either. And, I’m good with that.

I thought it was incredibly interesting back when I was dating, before Aussie. I did a lot of online dating. It was VERY common to see a man with a “no fatties” disclaimer on his page. So, I never wrote to those guys. But, quite often they wrote to me.  I reminded them, they weren’t interested in me. I was fat. And, they always said “Well, I didn’t mean you!” I had full length pictures up. I asked what they meant, and it usually was something like

  • I just didn’t want somebody really fat, like, over 200 pounds. (Which I was)
  • I just didn’t want somebody lazy, you don’t sound lazy.
  • I just wanted somebody really pretty, I didn’t care about the weight, and you are really pretty.

And, almost as often as I saw “no fatties” I saw “no girls over 130 pounds” and I think to myself now, so many women are so secretive about their weight, that I don’t even think guys know what they are looking for. Because I dated a lot of “no over 130” guys too.

I read an interesting article recently, about how women don’t know what they want. For a quick summary, almost exclusively, women say they want a tall man. Why? I’m 5’3″. I don’t need a 6′ tall man to be bigger than me.  Basically, what women really wanted, was a man with confidence, a man who would sweep them off their feet, a man who made them feel small and petite, a man who made them feel protected. Shorter men, like a 5’5″ one, who is still taller than me, but, has been told for years he isn’t “tall enough” is not going to be as confident, he isn’t going to feel as much like he is a big protector, so, he’s less likely to act like one, which in turn, turns women off, which ruins his confidence even more, and on and on it goes.

So, what is really behind this “no fat chicks” attitude men have? Oh, I’m sure many guys aren’t interested purely on looks, and that’s fine. But, the fat “stereotype” I think is the problem. Well, if you are fat, then obviously you don’t do anything except sit around and watch tv and eat. It means you are lazy, with no self control, and are just going to continue to balloon until you need rolled out of the house. And, who want that? I think, often when people say no fatties, what they mean is, I want somebody confident. I want somebody pretty. I want somebody who will hike in the woods with me. I want somebody who will swim off my boat. I want somebody I can wrestle on the sofa with over the remote. If we need one more person for the baseball game, I’d like her to join in. I don’t want to spend my weekend watching a lifetime movie marathon. I like salads! And,all those desires translate into “I only want a skinny partner.” Even though, many people don’t actually care.

I once heard a conversation, where people were arguing over fat people. One guy said it was just a lack of will-power. A woman told about her best friend, who had thyroid issues, now is super overweight, and just can’t lose the weight. He retorted with “well, it’s still will power. If she just ate a little healthier, and walked to the mailbox instead of driving, she’d still be fat, but not as fat!” Again, with the stereotypes. Unless you know somebody, you don’t know what they do, or go through. I remember weighing 260 and being yelled at and ridiculed. I now weigh 225.  I’m still fat. I do Zumba for 11 hours every week. I rarely drink soda. I count calories, and park at the end of the parking lot and get in at least 10,000 steps a day. A little here, and a little there, and a little at a time, and I’ve lost weight. But, to someone who doesn’t know me, who saw me being wheeled around the store in a wheelchair last week due to a broken foot, they might think the same thing, that if I just tried I wouldn’t be so heavy.

Like I told Aussie yesterday, I need to lose weight, because my personality doesn’t work with my size. I like adventure, I crave adrenaline rushes. I want to try the new roller coaster, and I want to zip line, and I want to drive the tiny sports car, without the seat pushed back for my tummy to fit, I want to sit next to my son, who isn’t getting any smaller, on the carnival ride, I want to know I’ll fit anywhere I want to be. I want to hike and walk and go through caves with itty bitty openings between the rocks. I fly every few months, I don’t want to wonder if the seatbelt will fit.

Yes, I am currently fat. But, it is a description, same as short, and dark haired and blue eyed and pretty. A description, not an insult. And, I’m not always going to be fat. And, since I said i wished it wasn’t always so taboo…I’ll start. I weigh 225. I’m 5’3″. Today, I cried in the dressing room because I slid on a pair of size 16 jeans for the first time in about 5 years, after working SO damn hard to lose weight.

Such A Stressful Week

Where do I even begin?

Last week, my brother woke up to find his wife, her 3 kids, their furniture, and all their food was gone. She is leaving him because he doesn’t clean or help the kids with their homework. Ok, I’m not saying my brother is perfect, but, what do you expect when you, a 30 yr old mother of 3, marries a 19 yr old? I mean, really? He’ll grow up.

The wife talked to my aunt and it turned into this big bash Punkie thing, because I got a divorce and nobody cared, but, now she wants one and everyone is saying she shouldn’t. And, apparently the wife said “And, I know all about Punkie.”

Now, I was told about this. I assumed she meant (from other parts of the conversation) that she knew that after I caught my husband cheating, I didn’t leave, but, I quite openly had a boyfriend. Well, while i’m not proud of it, I don’t care that anybody knows, I never hid it. Maybe if I can’t be a good influence, I can at least be an example of what not to do.

My mother assumed she meant that my dad is not my biological dad. So, she calls me in a panic to tell me that now people might find out. I told her I couldn’t care less. I never understood why it was a secret anyway. Well, apparently my parents talked and decided to tell my siblings about this. And, tell all of us that my dad was married before.

Ok, I’ve always known my dad wasn’t my biological father. And, when they told me my dad had been married before I basically said “Yeah, no shit.” I’ve put together pieces over the years. That was my entire reaction.

The sister I don’t like has been throwing a huge tantrum about this, and how she is so ashamed and embarrassed, then she demanded to know my biological father’s name. No, just, no. It is none of her damn business. I’ve never even asked. Then, I have one sister my parents haven’t told yet, and the evil sister demanded to be there when the other sister was told “for moral support”. Ummm…I’ was told when I was 4 with no support at all and been fine for 20+ years. This sister just wants her nose in everyone else’s business. She doesn’t even like me, so, she can stop acting like this ruined some bond or something. Then, she got my other brother all worked up as well.

So, she has turned my brother’s divorce and my birth into being all about her.

And, that is what I am not handling well. Not at all. I feel, like, my privacy has been invaded. Like I am some how “less than”. I feel bad for my parents and her reaction. I am mad that all I hear about is how she is handling it, no one has asked how I am doing. I don’t know if this changes anything for any of them, and so, now I just wait, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t know what the right thing to do here is.

It’s bringing up huge abandonment issues that I have. My biological father disappeared after my mom told him about me.

My adopted father was abusive for years.

My ex husband left me and the kids, because I asked him to take out the trash.

Noah’s dad left as soon as I told him I was pregnant.

I have a long string of ex-boyfriends.

I’m not handling this well. I was happy burying the issue for decades.

Then, my ex calls me to ask why I let the kids be such brats. They are sarcastic, and he threatens to punish them, but, his punishments are too harsh. And you know, he can fucking suck it up for the SEVEN DAYS he has had them this year.

And, an innocent question led to the discussion of future children for Husband and I, I’ve always told him I was done, but, if he wanted more, then we’d discuss it, and I could probably be persuaded. well, he made a comment, that made me say “Never mind, that option is off the table.” which led to lots of tears for both of us.

Then, evil sister called my husband just not to tell him my dad might be having a stroke or a heart attack. And, of course evil sister is there at the hospital, because, where else would she be except in everybody else’s business? She didn’t even call me, she called my husband and had him tell me. (I left, dad is fine, they aren’t sure what happened.)

My brother’s divorce is freaking me out as well, just a reminder that it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, if my husband wants to leave, he just can. And, there is nothing I can do about it.

And, to top it all off, I’m 4 weeks away from graduating. School is getting more difficult, I’m taking 5 classes. This week, I have 3 papers due, 22 discussion board posts, 4 quizzes and one test. That’s for ONE WEEK.

The damn scale still isn’t moving. I did have to buy new underwear today, so, I guess that is progress, and, I ran a mile for the first time ever. But, the scale still says “fat”.

And, I think I am PMSing.

The good news is, in the past, I would have spent a lot of time drunk last week. Now, I ran. So…progress.

I can’t even explain how I am feeling. Can you be numb and stressed at the same time? I’m having a hard time even crying. I’m looking for a fight, but, I don’t trust anyone enough to fight with them except the husband, and he doesn’t ever fight. He kept telling me I could cry this weekend, and, I just couldn’t. Not really, I kept saying “i’m fine”, and, well, I’m not.

 

 

Joy Stealers

This post has been started 4 different times today, and it always starts out one way, then turns into a rambling mess that morphs into something else. I think this is finally it!

I mentioned I go to 2 different churches, 2 different denominations. Neither one really observes Lent, but I like the idea. Even if I wasn’t religious at all. I mean, really think about the things we rely on everyday, the things we use as a crutch, as something to get us through the day. Think of all the things that really take time from our days, and from the important things we have to do. I know so many people will sit here and say “No, not me, everything is very important! I don’t waste time! I don’t have a vice…ok, maybe I do, but it isn’t a big one.”

Which isn’t true. Everyone has things. We do so many things out of habit, not because we truly get any enjoyment out of them. In an instant gratification society, good enough right now is better than great later. What if people really tried to change some habits over the next 40 days? How many of our habits are joy stealers rather than actually beneficial to us?

I can think of so many examples…the guy who can’t lose weight because he’s eating the crappy convenience store pastry on his way to work. Why? Is that helping him in some way? Is it making him happier? I knew a woman who played farmville on Facebook for HOURS a day. She actually made up extra profiles for herself, so she could friend herself, so she would  get ahead on Farmville. I suppose if you asked her why, she would tell you she liked it, it was fun, it was a way to decompress. Except, her attitude was the opposite. She would literally stress herself out when it came time to harvest pretend crops and she wasn’t right there at a computer to do it. She wasn’t getting any joy out of this. It was a habit, just something to do. Why?

There are so many people eating empty calories from McDonald’s because it is fast and cheap. That’s it. Not because they actually enjoy the food. I figured it out, I feed the 4 of us (plus a cat and 3 fish) for about $14/day. I could have more, all I need to do is say the word and the grocery budget will be increased, but it isn’t necessary, we eat well on that $14/day. However, the kids and I do go to McDonalds when they are restless and I have too much homework, the play place and free wi-fi can be a life saver. For us all to eat a meal, it’s about $15. And we usually leave hungry anyway. Why do we do this? Nobody is getting any enjoyment out of that food! Why not save that $15 and use it towards a nice dinner out, or buying steak for Aussie to cook up for us on the grill? I don’t know about you, but yes, I get a huge amount of enjoyment out of a bite of perfectly done steak. Biting into my Big Mac has never brought a smile to my face. For Valentine’s Day we went to a nice restaurant. It was expensive, but the atmosphere was lovely, the music was live, and the food was amazing. Why am I letting McDonalds steal my Club Soda joy? I’m throwing money away for now, rather than saving for real enjoyment later.

These are the thoughts I’ve been mulling over in my head today. I have a wedding coming up! I don’t want to be fat! But, I am continuing to be fat because my habits, that aren’t causing me any happiness are being allowed to control me. No, I don’t want to wake up and run a mile. But, I don’t really want that soda either, and I drink it anyway. Not because it is so delicious, or because it is good for me, just because it’s a habit, and when I don’t have it, I crave it. There is no immediate joy from that drink, and there certainly isn’t a long term one either!At least if I went and ran, I would gain enjoyment eventually from how I looked and from how I felt. To be perfectly honest, I absolutely LOVE when Aussie picks me up and carries me or moves me. I get joy from that. I’d like him to be able to do it for a long time, I don’t want to get too big for him to.

Another thing, I like to sleep in. I do enjoy it. But, it comes with a cost. It comes with the fact that certain portions of my day get wasted. Back to the previous paragraph, I am not going to go jog at night, and I don’t want to this summer in the middle of the afternoon when it’s 100 degrees. So, I need to actually get up and do it. Not only that, but that little bit of joy I get from sleeping in is stolen away when I have to rush to get ready for something, or when I miss out on something because I didn’t get everything else done I needed to. I lose that joy when I don’t have enough hours in my day. I lose that joy when I have to be up early for a court appointment, and freak out and sleep poorly all night because I’m watching the clock, worried I will sleep right past the time I need to be awake.

So, for Lent this year, I’m not really giving up something tangible. I am just trying to change a mindset. I don’t want to deprive myself, but I’m tired of being like a 3 yr old taking the bigger nickle rather than the smaller dime because I can’t see past right now, because I only want what looks good right now. Somehow I have convinced myself that taking the smaller dime is deprivation, and it isn’t. So, for lent I am changing some habits, and hopefully giving up some of my sleeping in. I guess you could say, for Lent, I’m attempting to give up some of my joy thieves.

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